dear you or me:
please please find something better to do with your hands than mess up your skin. could you? this year, decade, or century? draw, play piano on your ipod, something!
thanks!!
love,
me or you
p.s. the bathroom is your downfall. choose not to get stuck there.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
blubble.
for this blog, i have decided to not use the caps lock key (or the shift key because that's just too much trouble). caps lock key... what's up wich you? you don't like, do your job. i go to press you and you don't 'press' and i'm stuck in zilch-caps-lock-land. why do i have to press you twice to get you to wake up? you are part of a crappy dell keyboard that's why. i'm gonna replace you and your friends with a different keyboard that is also black to match the other components that complete my dell computer set. there.
where oh where was i . . .
blogging i think . . . ?
chyes, cherita?
chyes.
ummmm so, i thought i should think about thinking about blogging tonight? because, ya knowww... my skin picking has increased since i haven't blogged in a few days? (my theory that a lack of blogging = a lack of curing dermatillomania stands correct.) yeah, sad story. learn from it! move on. do better next time.
whatever.
alright took care of that - admitted i picked at my skin and i failed at not picking at it, blah blah blah - what else is there to talk about that you have no interest in... let's see...
ummm... i was off from work today and will be tomorrow as well. days off, they seem SO delicious when you're at work right? soooo delectable and out of reach yet still within reach and you want them dearly because stress and people at work get on your every last nerve - you just wanna escape from that place as quickly as possible. however - upon the sunny arrival of your day off, you soon realize how boring you really are. you wake up too late and the day either drags or goes by too fast. you get nothing done and you have no idea why. your brain's list of things to do goes out the window. i mean, you get one or two things done, but not as much as you had hoped for. you just kind of feel alone. i mean, don't get me wrong, you are happy to be alone in the house - there is no doubt about that. but eventually, eh... you just feel disappointed with yourself and life. you contemplate painting, then don't do it. you contemplate playing guitar or piano, then don't do it. you contemplate doing something creative, and end up not doing it. this really eats me alive considering i have accomplished nothing amazing in my life and i'm 24. it makes me terribly sad. how can people be so ambitious 24/7? frick! maybe all ambitious people in this world have a car to avoid a mess like this. getting a car takes so much time though. what the hell...
when you're finally somewhere, you instantly wish you were somewhere else.
agh, i just haven't found what i love love love to do. i have a feeling i may never find it. by the time i do, i fear i'll be 60 and getting ready for my grave. (if i live that long, ha.) seriously though... why does this depress me? i overthink and expect too much of myself and get nothing done. it's so addicting though. to overthink and expect too much and get nothing done. wait a sec... lately i have been expecting less of myself... that's it! expecting less because i'm so unsure about anything and everything. that's gotta be the problem. it's so funny how you can be afraid of wasting time on a certain path and end up wasting so much time trying to choose the right path! maybe i just need more inspiration around me. just kidding! that's what got me all a.d.d. in the first place. it's got me all psycho.
my mind is a bleeping prison. i can't be the only one . . . if anyone understands or has any suggestions, let me know? please? :)
well, enough blubble (word i made up for 'rambling'). i just hope and pray i thoroughly enjoy my day off tomorrow. i want to so bad. i will definitely take another jog. i've been jogging a lot more lately. they are the best at mending emotional days even though it's hard to wanna go outside. :)
life! life! life! you're awesome and entirely stupid all at once! tricky little bastard you are!
goodnight.
*for tonight's blog tags, i'm just copying the examples given by blogthings. so no, none of these tags have anything to do with this blog. i sowwy. :/
where oh where was i . . .
blogging i think . . . ?
chyes, cherita?
chyes.
ummmm so, i thought i should think about thinking about blogging tonight? because, ya knowww... my skin picking has increased since i haven't blogged in a few days? (my theory that a lack of blogging = a lack of curing dermatillomania stands correct.) yeah, sad story. learn from it! move on. do better next time.
whatever.
alright took care of that - admitted i picked at my skin and i failed at not picking at it, blah blah blah - what else is there to talk about that you have no interest in... let's see...
ummm... i was off from work today and will be tomorrow as well. days off, they seem SO delicious when you're at work right? soooo delectable and out of reach yet still within reach and you want them dearly because stress and people at work get on your every last nerve - you just wanna escape from that place as quickly as possible. however - upon the sunny arrival of your day off, you soon realize how boring you really are. you wake up too late and the day either drags or goes by too fast. you get nothing done and you have no idea why. your brain's list of things to do goes out the window. i mean, you get one or two things done, but not as much as you had hoped for. you just kind of feel alone. i mean, don't get me wrong, you are happy to be alone in the house - there is no doubt about that. but eventually, eh... you just feel disappointed with yourself and life. you contemplate painting, then don't do it. you contemplate playing guitar or piano, then don't do it. you contemplate doing something creative, and end up not doing it. this really eats me alive considering i have accomplished nothing amazing in my life and i'm 24. it makes me terribly sad. how can people be so ambitious 24/7? frick! maybe all ambitious people in this world have a car to avoid a mess like this. getting a car takes so much time though. what the hell...
when you're finally somewhere, you instantly wish you were somewhere else.
agh, i just haven't found what i love love love to do. i have a feeling i may never find it. by the time i do, i fear i'll be 60 and getting ready for my grave. (if i live that long, ha.) seriously though... why does this depress me? i overthink and expect too much of myself and get nothing done. it's so addicting though. to overthink and expect too much and get nothing done. wait a sec... lately i have been expecting less of myself... that's it! expecting less because i'm so unsure about anything and everything. that's gotta be the problem. it's so funny how you can be afraid of wasting time on a certain path and end up wasting so much time trying to choose the right path! maybe i just need more inspiration around me. just kidding! that's what got me all a.d.d. in the first place. it's got me all psycho.
my mind is a bleeping prison. i can't be the only one . . . if anyone understands or has any suggestions, let me know? please? :)
well, enough blubble (word i made up for 'rambling'). i just hope and pray i thoroughly enjoy my day off tomorrow. i want to so bad. i will definitely take another jog. i've been jogging a lot more lately. they are the best at mending emotional days even though it's hard to wanna go outside. :)
life! life! life! you're awesome and entirely stupid all at once! tricky little bastard you are!
goodnight.
*for tonight's blog tags, i'm just copying the examples given by blogthings. so no, none of these tags have anything to do with this blog. i sowwy. :/
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
It Just Is.
Man almighty... Last night's blog was too long for words. I want to try to find a way to say what I mean in shorter amounts of words. But? Whatever? I do what I do, I am what I am. And this is my blog afterall. It's not a formal blog any kind or my "official" blog. It's not one I would just let anyone see (but if you found it then you MUST be special). Just a blog to de-stress and discuss subjects to death as much as I f-cking want to!
Yaaaay!
Alright.
Today I picked at my skin a little more than just a little. Not a lot lot at least. That's good. I didn't pick to point I feel regretful about it. I mean, after I picked I went jogging with my 3 dogs (individually of course). Hmm... well I can't say jogged with all of them this time. With the hyper ones I continued the technique I learned from the Dog Whisperer dude - side by side walking. Back when I tried it almost a year ago, it was pretty tough and a great ab workout. And I don't walk these dogs nearly enough (once a month maybe?), but it's definitely easier now. I even ran them side by side with me when I first started this technique, which is kinda tough, especially with the muscular-as-hell boy dog. (I sometimes let him go in front of me just to dramatically increase my run speed.)
So again I didn't run them hyper dogs; however, the small, meek, and kinda bony one I did. It's animal abuse - she needs to increase her strength to stand up to her dog colleagues! Haha. Funny thing is she HATES running at first. The other dogs wanna pull me by the leash, or be my by side while we're running. Miss Meek? She lags behind and I end up pulling her! Eventually though if after half a block, she seems much interested. Or if she happens to see a stray cat running in fear into a neighbor's yard.
Ummm... today I also set up the shoe rack I bought from Target. I have maybe 11 shoes. Not too much I guess. My mom used to tell me I had too many shoes when she has like 20 or 30. Silly mom. I got rid of some shoes (I had 15 I think) and need to get rid of some more shoes. I only wear maybe 3 or 5 of them.
Soooo... to close this boring day, I wish for all of us to feel positive about ourselves, go after what we love, and eat more fruits and vegetables.
(Well, that's what I'm trying to do. More than I already do/did/will do?)
Nightynighties.
(Nighties is such a cute word, but makes me think of really young kids or really old ladies.)
Yaaaay!
Alright.
Today I picked at my skin a little more than just a little. Not a lot lot at least. That's good. I didn't pick to point I feel regretful about it. I mean, after I picked I went jogging with my 3 dogs (individually of course). Hmm... well I can't say jogged with all of them this time. With the hyper ones I continued the technique I learned from the Dog Whisperer dude - side by side walking. Back when I tried it almost a year ago, it was pretty tough and a great ab workout. And I don't walk these dogs nearly enough (once a month maybe?), but it's definitely easier now. I even ran them side by side with me when I first started this technique, which is kinda tough, especially with the muscular-as-hell boy dog. (I sometimes let him go in front of me just to dramatically increase my run speed.)
So again I didn't run them hyper dogs; however, the small, meek, and kinda bony one I did. It's animal abuse - she needs to increase her strength to stand up to her dog colleagues! Haha. Funny thing is she HATES running at first. The other dogs wanna pull me by the leash, or be my by side while we're running. Miss Meek? She lags behind and I end up pulling her! Eventually though if after half a block, she seems much interested. Or if she happens to see a stray cat running in fear into a neighbor's yard.
Ummm... today I also set up the shoe rack I bought from Target. I have maybe 11 shoes. Not too much I guess. My mom used to tell me I had too many shoes when she has like 20 or 30. Silly mom. I got rid of some shoes (I had 15 I think) and need to get rid of some more shoes. I only wear maybe 3 or 5 of them.
Soooo... to close this boring day, I wish for all of us to feel positive about ourselves, go after what we love, and eat more fruits and vegetables.
(Well, that's what I'm trying to do. More than I already do/did/will do?)
Nightynighties.
(Nighties is such a cute word, but makes me think of really young kids or really old ladies.)
Absolute Torture.
"Seriously, what woman absolutely adores how she looks in a bathing suit? 2% of women... MAYBE."
Today was a day off and it was good - Woo!
Though I still feel like I'm wasting my potential and have wasted most of my life - Boo!
Slept in 'til 9am, then 12:30pm, then 2:30pm. I didn't wanna walk out into the living room and get the day started because a certain relative was out there until 3pm. Plus, I felt embarrassed that I slept in that late. I don't want anyone saying anything about it. Because in this family, sleeping in is generally a big NO-NO... You get questioned up the ying-yang.
Anyway.
Almost no picking today. Yesterday marked a day of hardly no picking either. Good news :)
The bad news...
That photo shoot I mentioned 1 or 2 blog posts ago? ErmmYEAH, the photos of my backside in a bathing suit? Ermmmmmm... NOT so good. In fact, it looks quite dreadful. Dreadful as in... the world will end if you ever see it. Yes, THAT bad. I was tempted to cry my eyes out when I saw them. I felt this surge of woebegone emotion about to permeate from my heart, but I stopped it and thought of ways to strategically avoid thinking about what I saw.
My boyfriend sent me the photo so I could edit it and make it look acceptable and 'blemish-free' to my specifications, before he did the final edit. Whoa. WOW. That photo needs LOTS of editing. These are not just tiny blemishes, heh heh. It's pretty much un-salvageable. I wanted to crop out everything except my shoulders and face. He told me 'no' I could not. So now I'm afraid he's gonna post it as is. Oh well, I won't let anyone I know see it. I feel sorry for those who have to see it. It's absolute torture. It'll break your computer.
When it comes to female bodies, I really don't understand guys at all. Some like 'em thick, some like 'em stick thin - we all know that. But why thick? Apparently my boyfriend adores beefy, cellulite'd legs, and rumps. And that's what I don't understand - he likes girls that look like cows? At least he likes me for me right? Doesn't mean I'm not entirely disgusted with myself for looking the way I do. My boyf sees me through a pair of 'rose-colored' glasses because he's, duh, my boyfriend. While the rest of the world - they see me through no glasses at all and would puke their guts out at the first sight of me in a bikini by a pool.
I want my boyfriend to understand something that I learned about myself many years ago. I'm NOT a model in the typical sense. And I'm not willing to go completely anorexic to be one either. (Maybe partially anorexic... Ha.) But seriously, the part I want him to understand is that: I ONLY look good in photos from mid-chest up. So yeah, basically my face. When the rest of my body gets involved in a photo... that's when all hell breaks lose. I'm not a 'body model,' face model ONLY.
It sucks though, for the most part. Junk food is completely out of the question for me. I mean, these female bodies usually can't take that shit anyway. And I'm already vegetarian... What the fuck more can I do? I know what it is - I eat too much fruit, complex carbs, vegetarian protein, and not enough vegetables. I even skip dairy! Pfft, some veggietarian I am. Womppppp womppppp.
Anyway, I'm just trying to laugh at all of this. I've seen way too many photos of my back side - in jeans even - to not know that a new photo of my backside will not look any better. My backside has a certain shape that isn't going ANYWHERE (unless I get major surgery). I really don't know how much harder I need to workout though, or if I should stop working out and lifting weights altogether. Working out seems so counter-productive sometimes. It makes me look fatter. After weeks of working out, I feel great and "think" I look great too... until a photo is taken. Then I'm crying myself to sleep while trying to ward off painful puffy red eyes and snot all over my face.
Although crying sounds reallyyyy tempting right now, I will try to refrain from letting this heartbreaking situation get the best of me. (And I'll refrain from wanting to murder myself too.)
Goodnight.
Goodnight to those who purposely try to hurt me.
p.s. My boyfriend's heart will probably break when he reads this blog, but I'm not gonna hide how I feel about this. It doesn't mean he's not a good photographer. If he makes a living out of photographing girls for magazines or whatever, this issue will be brought up again and again. He'll be pressured to make girls (or guys?) look acceptable to masses of people. Hopefully the company he works for will be super-good at photoshop and/or lighting...
Today was a day off and it was good - Woo!
Though I still feel like I'm wasting my potential and have wasted most of my life - Boo!
Slept in 'til 9am, then 12:30pm, then 2:30pm. I didn't wanna walk out into the living room and get the day started because a certain relative was out there until 3pm. Plus, I felt embarrassed that I slept in that late. I don't want anyone saying anything about it. Because in this family, sleeping in is generally a big NO-NO... You get questioned up the ying-yang.
Anyway.
Almost no picking today. Yesterday marked a day of hardly no picking either. Good news :)
The bad news...
That photo shoot I mentioned 1 or 2 blog posts ago? ErmmYEAH, the photos of my backside in a bathing suit? Ermmmmmm... NOT so good. In fact, it looks quite dreadful. Dreadful as in... the world will end if you ever see it. Yes, THAT bad. I was tempted to cry my eyes out when I saw them. I felt this surge of woebegone emotion about to permeate from my heart, but I stopped it and thought of ways to strategically avoid thinking about what I saw.
My boyfriend sent me the photo so I could edit it and make it look acceptable and 'blemish-free' to my specifications, before he did the final edit. Whoa. WOW. That photo needs LOTS of editing. These are not just tiny blemishes, heh heh. It's pretty much un-salvageable. I wanted to crop out everything except my shoulders and face. He told me 'no' I could not. So now I'm afraid he's gonna post it as is. Oh well, I won't let anyone I know see it. I feel sorry for those who have to see it. It's absolute torture. It'll break your computer.
When it comes to female bodies, I really don't understand guys at all. Some like 'em thick, some like 'em stick thin - we all know that. But why thick? Apparently my boyfriend adores beefy, cellulite'd legs, and rumps. And that's what I don't understand - he likes girls that look like cows? At least he likes me for me right? Doesn't mean I'm not entirely disgusted with myself for looking the way I do. My boyf sees me through a pair of 'rose-colored' glasses because he's, duh, my boyfriend. While the rest of the world - they see me through no glasses at all and would puke their guts out at the first sight of me in a bikini by a pool.
I want my boyfriend to understand something that I learned about myself many years ago. I'm NOT a model in the typical sense. And I'm not willing to go completely anorexic to be one either. (Maybe partially anorexic... Ha.) But seriously, the part I want him to understand is that: I ONLY look good in photos from mid-chest up. So yeah, basically my face. When the rest of my body gets involved in a photo... that's when all hell breaks lose. I'm not a 'body model,' face model ONLY.
It sucks though, for the most part. Junk food is completely out of the question for me. I mean, these female bodies usually can't take that shit anyway. And I'm already vegetarian... What the fuck more can I do? I know what it is - I eat too much fruit, complex carbs, vegetarian protein, and not enough vegetables. I even skip dairy! Pfft, some veggietarian I am. Womppppp womppppp.
Anyway, I'm just trying to laugh at all of this. I've seen way too many photos of my back side - in jeans even - to not know that a new photo of my backside will not look any better. My backside has a certain shape that isn't going ANYWHERE (unless I get major surgery). I really don't know how much harder I need to workout though, or if I should stop working out and lifting weights altogether. Working out seems so counter-productive sometimes. It makes me look fatter. After weeks of working out, I feel great and "think" I look great too... until a photo is taken. Then I'm crying myself to sleep while trying to ward off painful puffy red eyes and snot all over my face.
Although crying sounds reallyyyy tempting right now, I will try to refrain from letting this heartbreaking situation get the best of me. (And I'll refrain from wanting to murder myself too.)
Goodnight.
Goodnight to those who purposely try to hurt me.
p.s. My boyfriend's heart will probably break when he reads this blog, but I'm not gonna hide how I feel about this. It doesn't mean he's not a good photographer. If he makes a living out of photographing girls for magazines or whatever, this issue will be brought up again and again. He'll be pressured to make girls (or guys?) look acceptable to masses of people. Hopefully the company he works for will be super-good at photoshop and/or lighting...
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