Slantily Nitchy.

Hubub. Huboozle.

I don't know what those words mean, but I thought it was time to post a blog since September will be gone after tomorrow.

I'm not even gonna tell you what I've been up to. Dermatillomania is still kind of rampant in my life description. But whatever, that's all I'm gonna say about that. Because you see thugs and slugs, I'm choosing to disappear from the internet a bit. Just a mini cutesy sorta disappearance. You know, a lot less posting of anything (as if you haven't been affected by this already unfortunate deserted blog *slantily sad face*).

...If I can help it, if I can keep myself from posting on the interwebz...

I have so many emotions, thoughts, or funny things to express at any given second. I think if I reduce my internet presence a little, it'll help me to focus that energy into something better, like... doing the dishes with more gusto. Or, taking the dogs outside to go potty with less impatience. Or... painting an entire building then running away quickly so no one will know (OH, they'll know eventually though, those good for nothing witnesses...). Creative outlets--other than this piece of junk internet--are a must for bizarre freaks like mEE!

I usually just, I dunno, regret (every)thing(s) I say or post on the internet. I read it the next day and scratch my dainty head, feel deep remorse and wanna delete everything, destroy it all. Because, well, I hate myself with a fiery passion.

...So so stupid.

But then I realize... no one gives a shit! :) I'm just one of billions of people. No one reads or cares about what I have to say. I can truly get away with murder. Being a nobody makes you feel free with a few exceptions. I do hope to be a somebody one day though. Somebody who has a knack for something honest and great. I haven't really found my nitch yet (isn't that obvious). I kind of envy people who have found their nitch even though they most likely, eventually hate themselves for having found said nitch. There's gotta be a balance so you don't end up hating yourself in any one direction.

Hmm, I think I wanna write a book. A terribly odd book full of nonsense. I'd be good at that. People would hate it, but still buy/read it because of how nonsensical it is. I know of authors who have done this, so I know it works. Luckily for me, I don't have to try too hard to not make sense.

...Perfect!




Nightynightnightandbugbites.

dyom.

dear you or me:

please please find something better to do with your hands than mess up your skin. could you? this year, decade, or century? draw, play piano on your ipod, something!

thanks!!

love,
me or you



p.s. the bathroom is your downfall. choose not to get stuck there.

blubble.

for this blog, i have decided to not use the caps lock key (or the shift key because that's just too much trouble). caps lock key... what's up wich you? you don't like, do your job. i go to press you and you don't 'press' and i'm stuck in zilch-caps-lock-land. why do i have to press you twice to get you to wake up? you are part of a crappy dell keyboard that's why. i'm gonna replace you and your friends with a different keyboard that is also black to match the other components that complete my dell computer set. there.

where oh where was i . . .

blogging i think . . . ?

chyes, cherita?

chyes.

ummmm so, i thought i should think about thinking about blogging tonight? because, ya knowww... my skin picking has increased since i haven't blogged in a few days? (my theory that a lack of blogging = a lack of curing dermatillomania stands correct.) yeah, sad story. learn from it! move on. do better next time.

whatever.

alright took care of that - admitted i picked at my skin and i failed at not picking at it, blah blah blah - what else is there to talk about that you have no interest in... let's see...

ummm... i was off from work today and will be tomorrow as well. days off, they seem SO delicious when you're at work right? soooo delectable and out of reach yet still within reach and you want them dearly because stress and people at work get on your every last nerve - you just wanna escape from that place as quickly as possible. however - upon the sunny arrival of your day off, you soon realize how boring you really are. you wake up too late and the day either drags or goes by too fast. you get nothing done and you have no idea why. your brain's list of things to do goes out the window. i mean, you get one or two things done, but not as much as you had hoped for. you just kind of feel alone. i mean, don't get me wrong, you are happy to be alone in the house - there is no doubt about that. but eventually, eh... you just feel disappointed with yourself and life. you contemplate painting, then don't do it. you contemplate playing guitar or piano, then don't do it. you contemplate doing something creative, and end up not doing it. this really eats me alive considering i have accomplished nothing amazing in my life and i'm 24. it makes me terribly sad. how can people be so ambitious 24/7? frick! maybe all ambitious people in this world have a car to avoid a mess like this. getting a car takes so much time though. what the hell...


when you're finally somewhere, you instantly wish you were somewhere else.



agh, i just haven't found what i love love love to do. i have a feeling i may never find it. by the time i do, i fear i'll be 60 and getting ready for my grave. (if i live that long, ha.) seriously though... why does this depress me? i overthink and expect too much of myself and get nothing done. it's so addicting though. to overthink and expect too much and get nothing done. wait a sec... lately i have been expecting less of myself... that's it! expecting less because i'm so unsure about anything and everything. that's gotta be the problem. it's so funny how you can be afraid of wasting time on a certain path and end up wasting so much time trying to choose the right path! maybe i just need more inspiration around me. just kidding! that's what got me all a.d.d. in the first place. it's got me all psycho.

my mind is a bleeping prison. i can't be the only one . . . if anyone understands or has any suggestions, let me know? please? :)



well, enough blubble (word i made up for 'rambling'). i just hope and pray i thoroughly enjoy my day off tomorrow. i want to so bad. i will definitely take another jog. i've been jogging a lot more lately. they are the best at mending emotional days even though it's hard to wanna go outside. :)



life! life! life! you're awesome and entirely stupid all at once! tricky little bastard you are!



goodnight.




*for tonight's blog tags, i'm just copying the examples given by blogthings. so no, none of these tags have anything to do with this blog. i sowwy. :/

It Just Is.

Man almighty... Last night's blog was too long for words. I want to try to find a way to say what I mean in shorter amounts of words. But? Whatever? I do what I do, I am what I am. And this is my blog afterall. It's not a formal blog any kind or my "official" blog. It's not one I would just let anyone see (but if you found it then you MUST be special). Just a blog to de-stress and discuss subjects to death as much as I f-cking want to!

Yaaaay!

Alright.

Today I picked at my skin a little more than just a little. Not a lot lot at least. That's good. I didn't pick to point I feel regretful about it. I mean, after I picked I went jogging with my 3 dogs (individually of course). Hmm... well I can't say jogged with all of them this time. With the hyper ones I continued the technique I learned from the Dog Whisperer dude - side by side walking. Back when I tried it almost a year ago, it was pretty tough and a great ab workout. And I don't walk these dogs nearly enough (once a month maybe?), but it's definitely easier now. I even ran them side by side with me when I first started this technique, which is kinda tough, especially with the muscular-as-hell boy dog. (I sometimes let him go in front of me just to dramatically increase my run speed.)

So again I didn't run them hyper dogs; however, the small, meek, and kinda bony one I did. It's animal abuse - she needs to increase her strength to stand up to her dog colleagues! Haha. Funny thing is she HATES running at first. The other dogs wanna pull me by the leash, or be my by side while we're running. Miss Meek? She lags behind and I end up pulling her! Eventually though if after half a block, she seems much interested. Or if she happens to see a stray cat running in fear into a neighbor's yard.

Ummm... today I also set up the shoe rack I bought from Target. I have maybe 11 shoes. Not too much I guess. My mom used to tell me I had too many shoes when she has like 20 or 30. Silly mom. I got rid of some shoes (I had 15 I think) and need to get rid of some more shoes. I only wear maybe 3 or 5 of them.

Soooo... to close this boring day, I wish for all of us to feel positive about ourselves, go after what we love, and eat more fruits and vegetables.

(Well, that's what I'm trying to do. More than I already do/did/will do?)


Nightynighties.


(Nighties is such a cute word, but makes me think of really young kids or really old ladies.)

Absolute Torture.

"Seriously, what woman absolutely adores how she looks in a bathing suit? 2% of women... MAYBE."



Today was a day off and it was good - Woo!

Though I still feel like I'm wasting my potential and have wasted most of my life - Boo!

Slept in 'til 9am, then 12:30pm, then 2:30pm. I didn't wanna walk out into the living room and get the day started because a certain relative was out there until 3pm. Plus, I felt embarrassed that I slept in that late. I don't want anyone saying anything about it. Because in this family, sleeping in is generally a big NO-NO... You get questioned up the ying-yang.

Anyway.

Almost no picking today. Yesterday marked a day of hardly no picking either. Good news :)

The bad news...

That photo shoot I mentioned 1 or 2 blog posts ago? ErmmYEAH, the photos of my backside in a bathing suit? Ermmmmmm... NOT so good. In fact, it looks quite dreadful. Dreadful as in... the world will end if you ever see it. Yes, THAT bad. I was tempted to cry my eyes out when I saw them. I felt this surge of woebegone emotion about to permeate from my heart, but I stopped it and thought of ways to strategically avoid thinking about what I saw.

My boyfriend sent me the photo so I could edit it and make it look acceptable and 'blemish-free' to my specifications, before he did the final edit. Whoa. WOW. That photo needs LOTS of editing. These are not just tiny blemishes, heh heh. It's pretty much un-salvageable. I wanted to crop out everything except my shoulders and face. He told me 'no' I could not. So now I'm afraid he's gonna post it as is. Oh well, I won't let anyone I know see it. I feel sorry for those who have to see it. It's absolute torture. It'll break your computer.

When it comes to female bodies, I really don't understand guys at all. Some like 'em thick, some like 'em stick thin - we all know that. But why thick? Apparently my boyfriend adores beefy, cellulite'd legs, and rumps. And that's what I don't understand - he likes girls that look like cows? At least he likes me for me right? Doesn't mean I'm not entirely disgusted with myself for looking the way I do. My boyf sees me through a pair of 'rose-colored' glasses because he's, duh, my boyfriend. While the rest of the world - they see me through no glasses at all and would puke their guts out at the first sight of me in a bikini by a pool.

I want my boyfriend to understand something that I learned about myself many years ago. I'm NOT a model in the typical sense. And I'm not willing to go completely anorexic to be one either. (Maybe partially anorexic... Ha.) But seriously, the part I want him to understand is that: I ONLY look good in photos from mid-chest up. So yeah, basically my face. When the rest of my body gets involved in a photo... that's when all hell breaks lose. I'm not a 'body model,' face model ONLY.

It sucks though, for the most part. Junk food is completely out of the question for me. I mean, these female bodies usually can't take that shit anyway. And I'm already vegetarian... What the fuck more can I do? I know what it is - I eat too much fruit, complex carbs, vegetarian protein, and not enough vegetables. I even skip dairy! Pfft, some veggietarian I am. Womppppp womppppp.

Anyway, I'm just trying to laugh at all of this. I've seen way too many photos of my back side - in jeans even - to not know that a new photo of my backside will not look any better. My backside has a certain shape that isn't going ANYWHERE (unless I get major surgery). I really don't know how much harder I need to workout though, or if I should stop working out and lifting weights altogether. Working out seems so counter-productive sometimes. It makes me look fatter. After weeks of working out, I feel great and "think" I look great too... until a photo is taken. Then I'm crying myself to sleep while trying to ward off painful puffy red eyes and snot all over my face.

Although crying sounds reallyyyy tempting right now, I will try to refrain from letting this heartbreaking situation get the best of me. (And I'll refrain from wanting to murder myself too.)

Goodnight.
Goodnight to those who purposely try to hurt me.





p.s. My boyfriend's heart will probably break when he reads this blog, but I'm not gonna hide how I feel about this. It doesn't mean he's not a good photographer. If he makes a living out of photographing girls for magazines or whatever, this issue will be brought up again and again. He'll be pressured to make girls (or guys?) look acceptable to masses of people. Hopefully the company he works for will be super-good at photoshop and/or lighting...

Mr. Today.

I must consistently blog to stay away from my skin. I must, I MUST!

It keeps me from going completely mental.



Wow Mr. Today, you were pretty good. Things got hectic and busy but I could handle you. Was sad to hear that another grocery store near my house was closing. GREAT sale they're having, oh hell yes, I stopped by to partake. But it was hardly worth it when you know in another week they'll be gone for good. Ghetto-abandoned-gangster-neighborhood, here we come... even closer now... full-fledged ghettoness in the near future.

Man, I can wait to bake some gluten-free COOKAYS!! I bought a gluten-free, dairy-free, NUT-free sugar cookie mix. Mmm, mmm. I want them. I was gonna make them tonight, but realized I was out of dairy-free milk beverages. I LOVED reading the back of the box and finding the words "1/2 cup soy milk" as a required wet ingredient for this mix. I'm not gonna substitute dairy for that ish! No way! I shall wait til I have boughten (sp?) more soy or almond milk. (...Which would defeat the whole purpose of the mix being 'nut-free'. Psh, I frankly don't care about that.)

Tomorrow night I guess I'm going to a healing service at Our Lady of Mount Carmel Catholic Church with my mom. She's all jazzed since she's been in tremendous pain lately. I hope that's what they're talking about when they mention healing? LOL. "My fellow apostles, DO leg extensions and you will HEAL." I think it'll be more spiritual than anything. Hope my mom isn't disappointed; hopefully she has an idea it will probably be prayer based. She's smart enough to know that beforehand, I think. But yeah... we've definitely strayed from going to church consistently for the past 6 years. Classic strayed Catholics, yo. Whatcha gonna do? However, I do and always have missed singing in the church band. Rock 'n Roll church baby. And I kind of do miss church. Life seemed happier then actually...

. . .

Ummm . . .

Oh yeah skin picking update: No picking! Well, except for that scab on my chin. I'll pretend that doesn't count since the a bully pimple made me pick at it in the first place! Wretched bully pimples should disappear forever in eternal detention...

. . .

Uhhh . . .



Goodnight, Mr. Today.


:)

Thangz.

Alright... I just Twittered "time to blog" and thus blogspotters... it is time to BLOG.

Today, not much skin picking. Maybe a little picking at the scabs on my face and those cystic acne beeotches that are still lingering on my funny face. They too may turn into scabs if I don't keep my hands off of them. But work boredom can damage your skin if you let it. Gotta put up a fight and draw or something.

So yeah, went to work today. Felt tired, yet energetic again. I kind of went in and out of a bad mood because of this. I went from hating people to kind of loving them to just plain disliking most things. As the end of my shift neared, I definitely got a bit more excited, perky, awake -- I mean, afterall, my cute boyfriend was picking me up so we could hangout and do photography.

It wasn't me doing photography or anything. (Yeah yeah, I know I have tons of photos to edit and post on Flickr. I'll get to them one of these days.) The photo shoot involved me in *ahem, modest moment* a bikini *modest moment over*. Nah, I'm not that freaked out about wearing bikinis. I've worn them all my life whenever the day involved swimming pools, sprinklers, water parks, tanning, or sun burning. But I'm not that ecstatic about wearing them things when a camera is around, especially if I know I will most likely be seeing them on a friend's Facebook somewhere. People I don't know and will never see again... go ahead, take as many photos of my cottage cheese ass as you want. Just don't show me them. Don't 'send me a link!' to view them. And don't say 'hi' to me ever again online or in real life either.

Anyway, I had fun. Putting on silly makeup. Then sitting in the newly bought, and un-used doggy pool. (My boyfriend wanted there to be a child-like element in this photo shoot, hence the tiny dog pool. ) As far as the actual, pictures themselves? It is neither no surprise nor un-girly of me to say -- I did not care for the photos that happen to show my backside. I mean, my thighs are obviously bleh, but my boney back had -- would you believe! -- a deep SKIN FOLD when I turned my body a certain way. What?! (It was probably more like a fat fold.)

Girl bodies are tragic and confusing. I couldn't stop thinking about what I had seen during the ride home with my boyfriend. My boyfriend reassured me 'guys love that'. I don't really care if guys love that (boys, that is a disgusting thing to like by the way), but I personally just want to be happy with my body. Agh, no matter how thin I get, my backside will always have that certain shape to it that I have learned to loathe. I just refuse to look anymore. No photos, no mirrors, no nothing. It always launches me into this obsessive, depressive rant in my mind in which I eventually beg God to tell me why I was created so horribly. And vow to eat nothing but ice shavings.

Ugh.

Comparing yourself to others is a beeotch. I hate it HATE IT.

Hmmm...

Whatever.

I feel good tonight overall now that I am home and have my sleepy eyes fixed on going to bed early. I have decided tonight that I will join 43 Things (http://www.43things.com). I didn't understand the concept of the site before until last night. I didn't really view it as a positive website. I only saw it as a site about fannyboppers obsessing over their goals and tactics of one day meeting some celebrity or band. It completely turned me off from looking into the site further just for that reason. But last night, I did a Google search on some personal issues -- finding what your true calling is in life, fighting OCD, etc. -- and I came upon 43 Things. There is some damn good advice from those misconceived 43 Thing'ers. Decent advice from people who already feel they have achieved their goals and all that. Awesome reading and inspiration for sure.

Don't know if I quite have a list of 43 things I want to accomplish, but I'm sure it's close to that number. It can be the smallest thing too. Yay! I'll start small -- on the very most important things.

Goodnight.

Poritty. (Pores + Gritty)

Ok, this is not good.

I picked at my skin a bit in the places I have been desperately trying to avoid. (Chest, mainly.) Frickinnnnnnn' A!

Today I felt weird. Had a slight upset stomach, felt energetic, dreary, and tired all at once. It's the coffee I'm sure. (Though I do drink liters upon liters of water too.) My skin is also bothering me to NO END. I have cystic acne on my face. Not a ton, but enough to make me cry. What's the deal? Is the coffee causing the pores of my skin to be stupid? My pores feels gritty no matter what lately. AGAIN, I swear it's the coffee. Or the Clinique benzoyl peroxide moisturizer... if so, my skin should be fine in another week. Hopefully...

Geesh, gals who can drink coffee (or whatever), not go all obsessive over their skin, and still maintain a bump-less complexion... I wanna punch them in their damn ugly faces. (Ok, they're not ugly... they just have perfect skin. ...I still hate them.)

Alright, it's just not me. My skin is naturally way the hell sensitive. It burns and tans easily, has semi-large pores. It's just not in my DNA to be fair skinned and young looking, beautiful. I was born to look sun-damaged, wrinkly, trashed, old, ugly. *nervous laugh* Hahaaa... It's alright... I GET IT.

(Thanks, Bozo.)

It still doesn't mean I'm not bothered by it. I have a right to be. Afterall, I am skin OCD like the dickens. (See Dermatillomania)

Ok, agh... I can't continue talking about this. I usually end up in tears every time I blog. To you non-skin-OCD'ers, you can laugh all year if you want. Because you have no such problem and live in lah-dee-dah land with your non-psychotic mind hanging on a golden clothes line for all to marvel and admire. Just know this... I hate you too.

(Hahahahaha!)

Anyway, today was good. Got an ugly haircut, wasted some time, felt numb in my brains, watched some tv, bought my textbooks at the bookstore for school...

OHHH!!!

Can you believe it?? I registered for classes EARLY this time! Almost 2 months early, in fact!

WEEEEEEEEEE!

And I bought my books early too. Something to be proud of. Oh hell yes. That's one great stride for procrastinatingOCDgirlkind. :) (And guys too.)

Alrighty dighty... worked out with my mom tonight too. I really hit the weights. I love lifting the heaviest weights I can lift in slow motion. I love how it kills me.

Goodnight.

Grim Swirly.

Today was pretty successful in the skin department. I picked at my face and arms a tiny bit, but avoided picking the areas (i.e. the chest) that I generally have trouble keeping my fingers and nails off of. So that's good.

Didn't do a whole lot today on a day off. Contemplated painting, writing music, but in the end just settled for making bread in the bread machine (which I did just now... late at night, haha). And I sang out loud to my dogs and cats since no one was home. But that's normal for me. Making up senseless songs with the weird nicknames I come up with for my pets. Oh, and laundry. Half a load of laundry. You see, my brother swooped right in before I could put the next load in. Or, actually, his girlfriend did. Why the fuck is she doing his laundry? My brother wasn't doing anything. That dirty rotten SCOUNDREL.

Agh, I'm sort of battling my dad right now. It's pretty funny. He gave me something in a box to sell on Ebay. Only thing is... it's not IN the box at all. I told him this and he thinks I did something with it to make it go 'missing'. Wow. What would I want with an old cable modem? Where do I plug it in? Ha! Ok, so I know where to plug it in. By why would I want something we already have? I have no clue. In my previous blog, I mentioned how scattered my dad is because of the small LED business he runs, and his lack of sleep. This 'missing modem' thing is just one example. We all take the blame for things because he can't remember shit. (Well, we don't actually take the blame, but in my dad's whacked out mind we do and should.) Not that it REALLY matters, but I can't wait for him to go to work tomorrow and see the old cable modem staring him down from his desk or workbench by one of his many, many computers. He's a dork. It's safe to say I don't really respect him and haven't for some years now (he always telling us how he's this really ideal, role model of a person, haha!). I have cried way too much from his pushy, hostile forgetfulness/critical-ness. Stupid, I know. It's amazing how someone can be so fun to hangout with one hour, and an idiotic Hitler/Saddam the next.

(Get out! Escape! And you will be fine!)

Anyway, overall, today was pretty good. It was a mixture of loving life and hating it and wishing I were dead. But I've felt this way my whole life so far. I don't know where I'm going. I kind of wish I had a consistent optimistic mood that didn't just appear in 1 hour interchangeable spurts of hopefulness and hopelessness. It's really taxing on the psyche. Very tiring. I'm not sure if there's more to life than this. I kind of don't think there is.

Dreams down the drain. Wooooo.


Goodnight.

Scatterrrrrredededed.

Hey vast empty room! How are you?

Haven't blogged in YEARS. But just wanted to say that I'm still feeling great despite spastic people at work trying to bring me down. (Miss Old Lady Worry-Wort and I apologized to each other and made up... for now . . . til' her 'thyroid' acts up again, I guess? Geez.)

Anyway, I've been picking at my skin... y e s s s s ... Not a whole lot, yet... a lot. I know that sounds weird, but like, it doesn't feel that big a deal even though it is. Maybe coffee and tea have just numbed my pain censors? (Not to mention my brain... cen . . sors . . . . ) Because I feel pretty fabulous. And I hate the word fabulous because it makes me sound falsely rich and retarded. Grr.

I'm working out a little more lately. Short workouts. Very slow slow excruciating weight lifting to limit the bulk aka the 'lean fat pudgy muscle' look. It's been taking the sting of skin picking away a bit and decreasing stress from life overall (duh, that's what it's supposed to do). My mom has been going with me as well. I'm really proud my mom has decided to workout after so many many years of NOT working out (or working out a total of one time a year). She's looking great! She's still having trouble with back and knee problems due to her knee cap suddenly breaking in half all by itself one day this past February.

Ohhhh... you know knee caps don't suddenly decide to divide while you're lying down motionless watching tv, but I won't say that hasn't happened to someone on this earth. But yeah... she did... and her knee... yeah... ouch... I'm sure I blogged about it somewhere on here...

In other news, I have my eye on a car now... OFFICIALLY! Yaaaay!

A Scion xB. I'm in love with it for some reason. I drove one (the newer body style) to New Mexico a couple years ago on a road trip with my dad, but never thought much of it. My dad was the fan, I wasn't or felt indifferent. So on the brink of hopelessness in never finding a car I wanted, I test drove one to be silly I guess. Both new and old body styles. And oh man... I want one like a cat wants catnip!!!! It simply FEELS right. The view is great. I feel I can drive safely and confidently in it.

I'm gonna buy it used for sure. I'm looking for slightly cheaper options on Auto Trader, Craigslist, and what not before making my final decision with LeSueur VW. They are the nicest guys at LeSueur. $400 off. County tax only. No haggle. So I've got a good thing going there if I do decide to buy from them.

:)

I'm just not looking forward to my dad telling all his friends "my daughter bought this xB because of me, everyonnnnnnnne..." Oh puh-LEAZE. You only wish you inspired me. And he better not ask to borrow it. If he wanted one so bad, he should've bought one himself instead of that new Diesel Jetta Wagon.

I love him, but my dad is scattered. Oh-so scatter-brained. Some days it drives me up a wall. And I'm sure it's the reason I am a bit scatter brained and confused about life. Yay?



Guh-night!

No More Anything.

Picked at my chest an hour ago then jumped in the shower. Oh the pain the hot water brought to my wounded skin...

I also picked the same area last night.

i'm not a big coffee drinker. I have it maybe once a week or every two weeks. Lately, I have been drinking coffee the past few days straight. Half cup to one cup a day. I have definitely noticed I can't get to sleep for the life of me even though I drink the coffee before 12pm. At night, I've had more dreams about tornadoes and writing songs on the piano than ever. Funny thing is, despite the more rapid heartbeat, coffee seems to calm my mind and help me to not think too hard about things. But today, I am feeling more ADD and sluggish than normal, which is a stark contrast to my ADD on non-coffee days where I'm running around the house bouncy and with no coherent goal in mind. (I don't know if I have truly ADD, that's just how I like to describe it.) I have also felt more creative these past few coffee days. Today though... motivation to do anything has been zilch. I've just overall felt more relaxed.

The main reason I drank coffee the past few days was to see if I pick at my skin more or less. You would think coffee would make one pick at their skin more. But I haven't noticed an increase actually. It seems when I drink 2 servings of tea - green or black - there is an increase in picking. On days I drink zero caffeine, I think my picking tendencies can go either way on those days. Tomorrow I won't be having caffeine. Of course, I probably won't pick at my skin (especially my chest - the area I am most desperately trying to stop picking altogether) because I picked at it today and yesterday, and the sores hurt a lot.

I also weighed myself today and... *dun dun dun*... got bummed out. I weigh near 160 again. I guess for being 5'8" it's not a big deal. I was down to 150 though about a month or two ago, so I am saddened that I am suddenly 160. My trips to the gym have increased during the past 2 weeks. My body feels firm, but my thighs are on the verge of being too big for my skinny jeans. I'm kicking myself for not remembering what kind of workout routine I was doing earlier this year to get so thin. I can't seem to find my 'perfect formula' anymore. Hmm, I was doing a lot more errands/running around earlier this year, that might have been the key ingredient. I was also saddened to learn muscle weighing more than fat is a complete myth. Hahahaha... *sigh* Aaaaawwwwww... :(

I'm also not used to weighing myself obsessively. I've increased my 'weighing habits' in the past month or two, and that's probably caused the increase in weight. (Worrying about how much I weigh all the time, trying to eat as perfectly healthy as possible and failing, etc.)

I'm chucking that damn scale out the window.


Alright. I am bummed now. No more anything of anything anymore.

Blog About Rob.

Hi Rob.



Bye Rob.



♥

Crumbling.

Today wasn't a very productive day. I'm feeling really mad and apathetic about it too. On the positive side, I didn't pick at my skin! Wish I could say the same about last night though... :/

Anyway, tonight I promised not talk about 'taking my own life' with my boyfriend anymore - otherwise he would break up with me (love isn't always unconditional, y'all). I mean, I don't think he understands why I would feel like that, but it's something that I've contemplated ever since I was 13. I think everyone thinks about it once in a blue moon as a what-if scenario. I actually did try it when I was 14 or 15. Took some pills and went to sleep. But obviously I'm still here - I did wake up. I really didn't want it to succeed anyhow. It was over something stupid anyway, but I just felt so very very awful and sick about it.

So yeah. I think around my period especially I feel really demented and hopeless. It's the time that I realize my life is essentially stupid. 24 and nothing to show for it. For someone who likes to be on stage or doing something in the entertainment realm... the feeling is worse than a breakup. It's a heartbreaking feeling that is constantly there - day after day, year after year. The feeling of wasting your life and not applying yourself fully in accomplishing a dream. But that's only because you don't know what dream to dream. You're in limbo walking along this long dark hallway, with many doors. You see light at the end of the hallway, but you never get there. It's still so far away... the hallway stretches indefinitely to make sure of it...

Agh. My heart crumbles all the time.



Goodnight.

MAJOR Intervention.

I am very tired of this.

I picked at my skin too much today. I was stressed and it felt totally worth it. But I will be crying and regretting it tonight, the next day, or next month.

I loathe people with beautiful porcelain skin. Because the part of me that the world sees... has freckles, age spots, sun damage, scars, all mixed with some ugly tan. It's completely not fair. They complain about their skin too -- about how they need a tan or some really stupid shit like that -- and I cry more. I wouldn't mind the tan so much if I had clear, spot/scar-free skin. Skin I could be proud of and not always want to hide.

I am blessed in the fact that everywhere -- other than my arms and face -- my skin is tan-free and free of damage for the most part. My face and arms are the only places I look 50 years old.

Hmm... I started to write a song about skin picking a few years ago. It's not complete. The intro pretty much is. I have the intro lyrics and the music to it still in my head. I really wanna finish it. I would cry too much singing it. I think someone else would have to sing it once it was finally complete.

I'll continue blogging more frequently. I don't know what to do other than that. I really wanna murder my own brain so I can be rid of this OCD vice of mine.





I WANNA TO STOP THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH GOD PLEASE STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Maybe there's no point in stopping though? I already look old. Curing myself of skin picking won't erase years of damage. Gah, that really kills my heart. It rips it to shreds. :(

I would do anything to go back in time. I wanna kneel on the ground with my hands out to the sky screaming my face off. I am just that saddened and angry at all of this. All of my dumb stupid stupid choices. And why I had to start picking in the first place. At least I'm not Helen Keller though. That would really suck. I'm just obsessed with trying to be as beautiful as possible.

...OBVIOUSLY, it's not working.

You Are Not Alone.

I have kind of picked at my skin a lot lately. I feel ashamed and freed at the same time.

Weird?

I am gonna try harder to stop myself. I don't know what else to do. I've been zoning out during the day lately. Getting bored. Though I have no reason to be.

I'm working on getting to sleep earlier every night. I really want these scabs to go away. I'm hoping getting more sleep will help prevent me from picking at my skin. A better sense of well-being? That's odd. I'm already this self-centered person who takes time out for herself too much. You'd think I'd have enough 'well-being' already...

I've also been trying to get really thin. Don't know if it's working... or... well, it was working. PMS kind of screws things up (gals get really hungry a week before their periodz!). I think my hunger increased though because of my calorie restriction this past week. Mix calorie restriction with PMS and you have double trouble. I got to eat right, but not obsess over it. That's the key. No matter how difficult it is -- no obsessing!! Eat right, but take the focus off of the calorie counter on your iPod Touch. At least I still have a natural love for the gym. I will be working on increasing my yoga and pilates sessions as well this week. Gotta get rid of this yoga and pilates dry spell.

In other news, registered for a class today. Whoopty. Figured out how to make these contact lenses more comfortable at today's eye appointment. Walked 3 miles under an umbrella in the blazing sun to and from said eye appointment (it's cardio, baby!). Filled many water jugs at the store. May be moving in with a friend from theatre this August. Gotta see this house first though before I decide... May look at it tomorrow.





I feel so ambitious, but don't know where to start. I have these dreams -- all my life -- that easily get torn apart. Stick with it, I say to my silly heart.



Goodnight.

Sore Wounds.

Picked at my chest tonight out of boredom and hatred of my life.

Boo.

I'm really running out of options here. I may need to get some serious help to overcome these skin picking urges. It makes me cry to think about it. Gah. I don't want it to come to that AT ALL. I dread it so much. Especially all the money that might have to go into it.

Womp. :(


Um...

So other than that, today was a low-key, good day. Went to work, hung out with the boyfriend, took all 3 dogs for a walk/jog/run.

My family is going out of town this weekend for a 4th of July camping trip. I have the 4th off! Woo! I have a coffee 'date' on the 4th of July with an older lady co-worker (she wanted to 'pay me back' for posting and selling a motorcycle on Craigslist for her son). Besides that, it's gonna be a lonely weekend, which is both good and bad. Maybe a dog or two will get left behind with me. And I always have my two cats. Yay?

Goodnight.


p.s. Our very last remaining manager (she's really an assistant manager) left three days ago. Retirement was calling her. We miss her already. Hope she is having fun living it up in Northern Arizona, living closer to her family.

Clink.

It has yet AGAIN come to my attention that I haven't blogged in 'ee-ons.'

But who's reading this anyway? I can only count one or two people. And I can count it on two hands (one finger per hand) just to be funny.

Anyway, I've been busy. The good kind of busy. Preparing for parties and what not. But with that 'busy' comes stress of course... and skin picking. I have been picking a little more in the past few days. Mainly on certain areas of my skin. Re-opening scabs for only God knows why because I don't.

I really think I need to blog more again. I have this need to express word and thoughts somehow. Whether through Facebook, Twitter, this bloggy blog... I have to do it. Or through drawing or photography, singing, etc. Even going to the gym. All this just to keep me busy and away from my skin. Thinking outside of myself, getting out of my head, and decreasing my procrastination would diminish the skin picking too. But am I gonna fix all that overnight? Durp durp.

I actually follow a couple of 'skin-picking' blogs here on Blogspot. I just read a post tonight. Her blog posts are even longer than mine (wow?), but I was amazed by all that she has accomplished to be free of skin-picking. Inspiring.

Well, today I got contacts again (you know, those things you stick in your eyes?). It's really a very long story. But to sum it up: Got contacts in summer 2007, didn't like them, tried another kind, was happy with them, then lost them in January 2008, and haven't been able to get back to the optometrist since. I had even paid a hundred or so dollars in 2007 to start receiving boxes of contacts regularly. Needless to say, everything worked out today. Along with insurance coverage and that hundred or so dollars I paid in 2007, I had to pay almost nothing for a year supply of 1 month contacts. Oh, and I also get a $100 rebate just for choosing the brand of contacts I chose. $100 Visa gift card... Rock! (Yeah, it's not in cash... Boo.) I'm really looking into Lasik surgery too. I don't want all my money going toward contacts for the rest of my life when I could be using it for permanent eye correction. :)

Also today, I got a many steps further in setting up this new computer since the last time 'we talked.' And... I finally downloaded some apps for my iPod Touch I bought almost a year ago! I think I hated the fact that I had to pay for an upgrade just to download dumb ol' apps, so I kind of put it off. I'm not really an iTunes person. I've had bad experiences with downloading EPs from iTunes (and more so, them not refunding the ones that didn't download at all). In any case, I'm thoroughly enjoying these apps. The ones I currently have are: Lose It!, Tap Tap Revenge 2, uSightRead, and FingerPiano. They are so nice when you're bored. Can't wait to download guitar ones. Just gotta find a decently reviewed one.

If you have any KILLER apps to suggest no matter what genre they fall into... let me know. ;)

Hmmm... After reading what I typed, it really bothers me. I take so long to do anything in life it seems. I'm definitely a flawed individual. I really hate that. Oh, and another example of this? My Carfax account expires in like, 4 days and I still haven't really found a car. Well, I can't say that is entirely true... there is a potential car that is up to my co-signer's 'standards.' Gotta go see the car this week for sure, or I'll scream.

Relying on other people SUCKS. So much. Don't ever do it.

Well... I should go now. I have lots to type about, but I'll just tone down my mind and overthinking tonight.

Here's to minimal procrastination and overanalyzing!

*clink*



Night.

What the Flip!

Have I really not blogged since June 18th?

What the..

So. Here I am BLOGGY BLOG ready to type on your bum. To add more words and paragraphs to your never-ending database of blog entertainment.

I really don't have much to say. A lot of exciting stuff has happened. Along with some bad emotional things, but MOSTLY... good things.

As far as the skin picking department, I've had my ups and downs the past few days. I'm trying not to stress myself out too much. However, with all the preparations I did yesterday and will continue to do until this Saturday, I am making sure to keep my hands busy preparing and away from my skin. What am I (mostly) preparing for? A Mary Kay party. HAHAHAHA. I care too way much about appearances apparently. No biggie. I just want the house to look good and treats/goodies to be made and presented cleverly. There are other things I am doing though. Painting, writing, and such. Getting inspired everywhere I turn on any given day. My mind could explode any second from so much inspiration all around me. But I'm trying to stay peaceful.

Father's Day was fun yesterday. Spent the whole day pretty much cooking and transferring files from the old computer to the external hard drive so that I can transfer them to the new compu-tay. (Had a wee bit o' trouble getting the hard drive to work on my old foagie computer box. And yeah, that damn new computer still hasn't been set up. I'm not gonna feel sad about it though. Nope. I freaking refuse to.

Anyway... Dad's Day... Food. I made him breakfast. Didn't make him what I had planned to exactly, but it ended up turning out ridiculously great. It was made up of his favorite foods: Spiced Buttermilk Waffles, scrambled eggs, cantaloupe, and limeade for breakfast; organic carrot cake with cream cheese frosting for after dinner. I have photos of all the foods too. I was too busy running around to eat too much of it. I am glad everyone else enjoyed it and had their fill. Oh yeah and my brother's girlfriend got to enjoy breakfast with us. Her dad was working that day. I was quick to learn that her dad is a chef who rarely has time to cook for his family. Awww... sniff.


Ummm... Well, this blog post is too long. It just is. All my blog posts are rather long, but this exact one most specifically... Way wayyyyyyy too long. It is perhaps the longest one in a deceiving sea of even longer ones...



Yeah . . . .





Goudanighte.

Nunchuckies.

Woohoo for today!

I was a bit tired all day. Still, it was an awesome day. Went to work, went missing ingredient shopping for Father's Day, went with my brother to get an external hard drive so I can get this damn new computer set up. My dad had been leading us on into thinking he was finally gonna set up the terabyte server he bought many months ago now. Sorry dad, we don't believe you will ever have time to set it up. I really don't want my old computer to outright die before I find a way to transfer the files I want to keep onto the new computer.

Poor overly busy entrepreneur daddy?


Last night after blogging, a funny FUNNY thing happened... I picked at my skin. *braces for shattered glass to be thrown at her* Ugh. I got pretty worried about something last night and thus, the picking happened. It's so stupid. It was also, you know, late in the night, I was zoning out, getting bored, etc. etc. Today, the area of my skin I picked last night does not look so good. Wish I could describe what it looks like. Don't wanna share TMI with you. It looks... mildly infected. I really didn't pick much though. Odd.

Moving forward...

Tonight (just now in fact) I realized what I really loathe about summer. Bugs! Not just any ol' bugs, bugs in your house that belong in the sewer or outside!! I do enjoy watching my two cats chase them around though. Crazy, huh? But the cat on duty tonight completely lost the bug criminal bastard. So I am now scared and going to bed extra early so I won't have to accidentally find the butt ugly thing. Haha! I'm really not that scared... heh... heh... It's only when they run towards me and bug spray or an old shoe are not within reach. That's when I'm absolutely jumpy and horrified!! :/

Ha.

Anywayze.

Tomorrow is another great day. I don't know why... but... IT IS! :D

J.K.? I do too know why. I mean, it's gonna be great because I can move mountains with my optimism and fight skin picking with my nunchucks. (I really don't have nunchucks. I have a taser. But no nunchuckies.)

Umunum...

Some old friends wanna hang tomorrow night. So whatever. That's cool. I'm down. I'm gonna be a good sport and show up.





Goooooooooooooooooooooooodnightlight!

Coffee?

Yay for today!

I feel very model-ish for some reason. Even though I'm definitely not a model. I went to work, worked out, yoga'd, watered tons of my neighbor's plants, worked out some potential tunes with my brother, etc.

Nice day.

Ahhhhh... I think I've switched future aspirations again. Why am I in love with music? I'd have a much easier time being an actress. There would be hundreds of auditions, but I just think my chances of getting hired for something are a lot higher. But I sometimes, I don't enjoy acting. And I just can't get away from wanting to play music. I'm gonna start taking lessons again. I can sort of easily teach myself, but obviously... I have ADD like the dickens. It's hard to explain, but I know where certain notes and chords are on the guitar or piano, but... yeah... hard to explain. I just want someone to whip my ass, basically, and keep me on track.

I also can't wait to start painting again. I want to try other mediums. I've been painting and using watercolor off and on ever since I was 7. (Everyone on my dad's side knows how to paint and draw really well, it's ridic.) I think it's time I try acrylic or oil... or something else, or some combination I make up on my own.

You know, I'm probably just really not good at any one thing or one 'talent'. That scares me to bits. If I could only fall in love with ONE thing... just ONE! I might be more successful? I don't understand this curse of wanting to do so many things. I blame my parents and the hot summer weather. I gotta focus on 'impressing' myself, not other people. And that's generally what I strive to do. Underneath it all though... I kind of secretly want people to care . . .

Boooo.

Hmm, alright. This blog is going nowhere and is getting confusing. So anyway, I can honestly say I did not pick at my skin at all today! However, I will need to go see my dermatologist soon for a 'skin' checkup of sorts. I have, and have always had, tons of freckles on my arms, some on my face, and a miniscule amount on my legs. The rest of my body is completely devoid of sun spots. It's crazy. I'm a tan, skin damaged girl with a white, porcelain stomach and back. Yeah, I'm a FREAK. Where's that summer coat? I wanna undo these arm tans!

So yeah, blah... dermatologist. Just a yearly check to make sure I don't have any of them skin cancer cells. Hey, might as well do it while I still have health insurance because in another year... No more insurance. Woo?

Car searching looks hopeful today. I'm excited. When I finally get a frackkkkking car, I'm gonna drive all around Arizona, and out of state every chance I get! :)

Dreamy dreamer.

Hmmm... I plan to make my dad some awesome Father's Day goodies this weekend. The usual homemade breakfast -- biscuits, sausage, scrambled eggs, maybe waffles, fresh fruit, juice, coffee -- (sigh, can't forget the coffee for my parents; my mom will probably be up at 4am making it anyway.) And a carrot cake for dessert later in the day. I'm not entirely sure if I'll get him an actual gift yet. I have ideas -- massage gift certificate, beginning yoga dvd (yes, he has expressed interest in order to relieve his lower back pain), sky diving 'gift certificate'... (do they even offer those?).

Speaking of coffee, ever since they went to Seattle in 1994 and hit up the first Starbuck's on the planet, gourmet coffee has been a necessity at my parent's house. Coffee makers, coffee grinders, coffee presses, cappuccino machines arrived and departed at various times of the last two decades. We have so many half-used bags of coffee beans in the freezer it's ridiculous. They're probably from 10 years ago too. My mom even puts ground coffee beans in her homemade wheat bread. That and unsweetened cocoa. And it tastes damn good! Like, WOW.

So yeah... Starbuck's inspiring my parents is interesting. I don't even know if they were coffee drinkers before? I know my mom's parents were/are -- plain, bland, black, Folger's coffee lovers -- gross. My first Starbuck's/coffee shop experience was in San Francisco when I was 8 or 9. It was at a drive-thru Starbuck's. I thought the name was very very funny and didn't understand why their mascot was a mermaid lady. Hmm. I had a hot chocolate on my first visit. It was good, I recall . . . I don't know when I first had coffee. Probably at my plain, black coffee loving grandma's house when I was...7 or 11. I made sure to pour lots and LOTS of sugar in it when Nana wasn't looking...

Wow, coffee? Seriously? I don't know how I got on that subject. Oh well, owning a coffee shop in a small town where coffee shops are non-existent would be cool. That's something I wanna do one day. Agh. See? I'm a silly. A real ADD freak.




Welp. Gotta hit the hay. And I'm tired of saying "Goodnight" so umm...

Hasta la vista, Beetches!

Beneath My Toes.

Hi!

Today was FANTASTIC.

The highlight of the day? Getting my haircut across town. She did such an awesome job. And getting that hair product exchanged despite my earlier disgruntlement with the receptionist lady and finding out I had thrown away the receipt by accident. In any case, telling the head hairstylist that "I'm just gonna sell this [shit] on Ebay if I can't get it refunded" earned me the exchange? I dunno. He just handed me what I wanted (a Matrix product... woo!), I handed him the crappy stuff I didn't want and walla! I was on my way. I expected to at least pay the difference in price, but to my surprise... I didn't even have to stroll to the register or pull out my debit card.

Yeah. And some other cool things happened. It was an overall good day.

I did pick at my arms and shoulders out of boredom though. Our nice older lady neighbor got knocked over and bit by a neighbor dog yesterday afternoon. She got 16 stitches in her leg. She's in pain, but doing much better today while the neighbor dogs are under city-enforced quarantine in the guilty neighbor's house for a few days.

So anyway, while we were over there visiting her, my mom and the neighbor yapped on for an hour or so, and I just started nonchalantly picking at my skin out of boredom. Silly me, we live across the street. I could have just left and the skin picking might not have ever happened. Ugh. But ya know, I was trying to be there for our neighbor. She's done quite a lot for us. For reals.

It's ok. No biggie. I still feel GREAT!

And wow, that crazy jetstream in the U.S. is making the weather rather nice here too. It's amazing. How can 90 degree weather feel so awesome? Yup. ...I don't know either!

So um... work then yoga tomorrow! And more dumb car searching. Bleh. And whatever else. I'm trying to stay optimistic about the car search thing, but I'm beginning to think I was never meant to have a vehicle of any kind. I wish we as a society didn't need cars. Why can't we just fly, glide, or float? Where's my hoverboard?



Goodnight. :)

Because.

So I need to blog today...

Well, today's accomplishments included avoiding a big, GIMUNGO skin picking session. I fought it hard, and I fought it good... and I won.

J/K. I mean, it is true: I didn't pick at my skin. And I definitely avoided a big screw up. But I found it easy to do for some reason...

Maybe it was because I was SO DAMN FULL FROM ALL THOSE (whole-wheat) BISCUITS I MADE!

I was just so focused on my stomach being in pain that I couldn't focus on anything else. You'd think the stress of being full would cause someone who is prone to picking at their skin... to pick at their skin. But. NOPE! Apparently not.

So I gotta get f-cking fat to conquer this skin picking, eh? Well, as much as I enjoy avoiding my skin... NO DICE!

I don't wanna give up this rather thin body. No sir/madame.



Alright. I also went to work today blahblahblahblahblah. It was pretty pleasant. I tried not to dream of escaping the confines of my work's plastered walls and tantalizing vaulted ceiling too much. One day though... no more. No more of you, Work.

I'll be doing the work I like, B*TCHES!


Anyway.

Haircut tomorrow. Wooo-oooo! I'm gonna go to the salon and not only get a haircizzut, but also express my disgust at a 'salon receptionist' (?) who told me over the phone that I can't return a hair salon product just because "I don't like it." Geez lady... Who the hell returns stuff they DO like?!?!?! People dislike things for all kinds of reasons. She didn't let me finish my sentence to tell why I didn't like the product. Ohhhh... the NERVE of her...

Imwritingafackingletterificantgetthisworkedouttomorrow!



Goodnight.

Pain.

I didn't blog yesterday and won't type much today.

I'm not feeling very well psychologically and physically.

I feel like absolute hell.

But little to no picking of my skin.

That's all I will say right now.



Goodnight.

Code Yellow-Orange.

I picked at my skin today.



Shame shame. :(

Yo-ga-ga-ga.

Didn't do a WHOLE whole lot today, but I had fun. No complaints. I just sung around the house most of the day. I sung to my cats and dogs more than I usually do. Made up songs about them, about their nicknames, and then sung some real songs 'til I could sing loud enough and perfect enough without sounding like I was straining to hit the high notes. I just sung the high notes 'til they felt like they were emanating from my head and not my nose. That's why they call it a "head voice" Ahhhhhhh... but that's easy. Anyone knows that. There are other more technical reasons why it turns into a "head voice," but I won't bore you with that shit.

Ummmm... I just feel good today in general. Yoga the day before a day off always does wonders. I went to my gym after work yesterday thinking I was walking into a pilates class (because they're usually on Wednesday at 4:30pm), then found out some news. I walked in quietly, stepping over students with their bums already on a mat to grab a yoga/pilates mat for muhself. I placed the mat on the floor, took off my running shoes, socks, etc. The teacher was already there waiting for the clock to scream 4:30pm so she could begin the class. And right as the clock struck 'begin-class-now,' the first words that she blurts out are: "You may have thought you came to a pilates class, but I have news for you... THIS IS YOGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!"






K, she didn't say it like that. That's just how I envision it. It'd be funny if she had said something totally crazy like "This is not a pilates class anymore, this is now a skydiving class." I mean, WHAT?

But no, seriously, the gym's class schedule just changed that's all. We now have two yoga teachers -- one from the USA or somewhere I don't know, and one from South America. They're both awesome and both teach hatha yoga. Though the South American one (who does the Monday 4:30pm yoga class) has a slightly different approach, I like it. I think she taught the Wednesday yoga teacher (the gym veteran/the one I'm used to) some new tricks.

Anyway, onto other matters... I'm finally hosting a Mary Kay party to help out a friend. Or at least, I thought I was helping her out... until I found out she's actual a very high up Mary Kay. Nevermiiiiiiiiind... I'm still throwing the party though. I've been putting it off for almost a year now. I feel cheesy having one, but at least no one has to buy anything and AT LEAST it's not a Saladmaster party. Saladmaster may make you a big healthy meal, but they really hassle you to buy $10,000 titanium cookware. You do get some free cookware pieces when you host though. That's pretty stellar. I want my free wok! That's the next one... I might just host again. Because with a wok, who cares if you don't get a skillet? The wok is all I'd ever use! It's like, multi-use, ya know?

Alright. Enough jibba jabba. Let's get to the REAL vegan meat of this blog:


I DID NOT PICK AT MY SKIN TODAY.


AND if I did, it was just messing with a pimple or something like that. Haha! Seriously though, I really focused on de-stressing and not letting my hands touch my skin or anything. It was awesome. I think singing all day today helped de-stress too. If ever I felt like picking, I just sang instead. Not every time, but a few times. :)

While my coworker was at work, she called me at sunrise on my day off because she wanted a 'favor'. ("Please call me back to find out what favorrr I want...") I mean, what? It was just awkward sounding. Why couldn't she just tell my on voicemail? Pfft... She called enough times, jeesh.

So naturally, I was very very hesitant to call her back. I thought she was wanting me to come in and cover for her or... worse. But since I knew I'd be seeing her at work the next day, and she was obviously not gonna stop calling me even though our work place was now closed, I finally texted her to find out what the crap she wanted. All she had wanted to do was switch hours with me next week. LOL.

My hours next week are SuhhhWEEEEET!



I'm done now.



Night-night beddy bye's.

White.

Work. Workout. Yoga. Mary Kay Eviting. Music. Dreaming. Minimal Skin Picking.

That about sums up my day!

:)



p.s. I will find a summer coat to make my arms as powder white as possible again. I'm sick of being tan. So so sick, dagnabbit. The mere sight of freckles and sun damage is driving me über crazy.

p.s.s. I'm so proud of how I butchered a Mary Kay image for my evite invitation. :) Butcher-rama.

Gang.

I'm feeling excruciatingly bloated today. And for someone who's been eating more vegetables than normal lately... it doesn't make any sense.

I think it's safe to blame my bloat on the organic almond butter I bought. I was suspicious of it the day I bought it. Because you see, the paper seal was ever so lightly lifted from the mouth of the jar, and thus, broken. Now as to whether the screw top lid seal was broken? I don't recall. Silly me. I didn't bother taking it back to the store. I mean, the paper seal could have been broken at the factory itself. Or maybe from the pressure of being shipped to a higher elevation. Or... maybe the jar got really hot and unsealed itself? I don't know.

In any case, I blame it on the almond milk. I'm sure someone or something injected it with a bloating spell so that every time you eat it, your tummy hurts and swells up.

Hahaha.

Ah.

It could just be that my period is a couple days away.

So I'll refrain from the pulverized magical nut for the time being. And will give it another whirl a week or two when my monthly blah blah blah has gone away. :)

I love changing the way I eat based on how I feel. And sleuthing out why or how I am suddenly feeling the way I do.

Speaking of . . .

Oh man, today I had a SODA!

ALL. TO. MYSELF!

I usually mooch off my boyfriends. I order a water when we go to restaurants then I sneak sips when he's not looking. Or I just plain ask him. I'm pretty smart. I don't want a ton of soda, ya know? So this is the way I do. Luckily for me, my boyfriend and I both enjoy diet sodee. When I'm by myself at healthy fast food restaurants though, I just stick with water or tea. I definitely don't mooch off my friend's or family's drinks either. Just my boyfriend's. He's special like that. :)

As remorseful as I feel for stealing soda sips, I still get a kick out of how my boyfriend reacts when he catches me... "Oh?? I see you wanted a drink of my drink, huh??" He has this really absurd, funny face when he asks. It makes me laugh and feel terrible at the same time. I usually end up putting down the drink. Then he says "Naw, [insert my name here], just kidding... It's free refills... You can have A SIP." Of course I end up having more than a sip. Maybe 12 sips...

Ok. Let's get to it. I'm feeling jittery right now and very exhausted. DAMN SODA... and future period!

Today I:

Went to work meeting 40 minutes away, discussed music labels/industry and musician life with co-worker during ride home, hung out with the boyfriend and his cousins, went to Costco for lunch, went to the hookah parlor with boyfriend and his cousins as well, enjoyed a hot chai and chocolate chip cookie while boys did the hookah business, battled choking on my own phlegm most of the day (I'm almost done being sick... Woo!), my boyfriend's cousin got some bad STD news from his ex-girlfriend, his cousin is now worrying profusley and won't talk about anything else, someone finally dropped me back off at home, and now I'm tending to neighbor duties (watering all her flowers, feeding her dog, giving dog medicine, watering both yards... it's fun when all the duties land on the same day, OMGNOTREALLY).

Skin picking? Very very little. Nothing major. Mildly picked a few spots on my face while in the car. Hooray!



To Muh Boyfriend: I know you're gonna read this and you outright asked me to write something about you. But that's insignificant. Because I was gonna write about you anyway! ChYEAH. So I wanted to say... Thanks for hanging out and being so fun and cute! I love it when your cousins and I tried to do a gang-'bang'-hug out in the middle of the Costco parking lot. I don't know what we were talking about. Bi curious people? Incest? I'm not sure how or if we got on those subjects. But you were blushing as we all tried to hug you and come on to you at once in public. I think I'm the one who got everyone to do it because that's just how I am -- I get people to do things. Anyway, of course, you denied that you were blushing and laughing. And it's so cute when you're in denial!! :) Also, good luck on your new job tomorrow!



Well ghosts and crickets whom I cannot even get to read this blog, I gots to go water two more grassy yards for my neighbor. Turn off one set sprinklers. Turn on the next. My dad should help my neighbor set up timered, automatic sprinklers like we have at our house. She might like that?

Anyway, g'night. Not that I'm going to bed anytime soon... probably around 1 or 2am I'll be asleep. Gotta wake up before 6am! Ugh @ you, Mr. Work.

Shrug.

Today was splendid. But don't really feel like blogging tonight. So in summation, today I went to work, worked out, noshed on broccoli, tended to my vacation-loving neighbor's house, fiddled with the piano/keyboard, typed/edited a letter for my co-worker so she could be on tv, made almond milk with almonds, water and a powerful blender, contemplated life, enjoyed some life... etc.

There. Shortest blog yet!

Oh. And then there's the "issue" of . . . . . you know . . .


Dermatillomania.


Well... didn't do any major picking today. Last night though? Let's just say I stayed up too late and zoned out and... skin picking happened. It wasn't life-altering or anything. I do gotta get wit da program tho! I almost did some major damage tonight actually. Not surprising since I drank coffee today. Oops. I'm ever so mildly jittery, but it's enough jitters for my hands to not stop feeling my skin up. Quit it hands! Go paint or something. Jeesh.

Eh, coffee's really no big issue for me. It's only when I sit down and stay stagnant that it becomes an issue... Come to think of it, I did have tea today... maybe it's all the tea's fault?

So I'm feeling bloated right now even though I barely ate anything. I think I drank too much almond milk. By the way, if you ever make your own almond milk, it's a beep and a half to strain. Use a cheese cloth. Straining it takes a while; even so, the cheese cloth has proven to be the fastest way for me. I also do not soak or boil the almonds ahead of time. The expensive blender we have doesn't give a hoot -- it rips right through them almonds with ease. Honey or maple syrup and vanilla are great additives. :)

Um.

I best go to sleep now. I has a meeting tomorrow. Oh mercy, a lot of stuff happened today. Wish I felt like telling you blog, but my blogs are much too too long as it is! And alas, I am tired.

Au revoir.



p.s. No more curse-ed interval cardio for me! I feel like my legs are getting huge. More on why I have come to this conclusion tomorrow? Maybe? *shrug!*

Snot Mountain.

Wowowow.

I have not blogged in three days. Whatsa-matta-wit-me?

Nothing really. I've been 'battling' a cold... or intense allergies... phlegm city. It may have turned into bronchitis by now for all I know. (My mom had bronchitis all last week... nice!) I'm on Sudafed constantly so I'm really not sure. If I'm still exhibiting slight symptoms even while on over-the-counter stuff, who knows how bad my symptoms really are?

I've been congested for the past 5 days actually. Thursday was pretty bad. I woke up choking on phlegm. It was "Snot Mountain Day" as I like to call it. They were thick, white, and my sinuses not stop producing them. Suffice to say, I definitely stopped dairy ALTOGETHER. No smidges of dairy either. I wanted to get rid of this... whatever it is sickness.

I still went to work all this week though despite my mysterious cold. I loved talking to customers in the weirdest voice because of this cold. Random coughing was added in there whenever the customers said anything important. Don't worry though, it was all unstaged -- I really do have a medium cough. But I only cough because I'm choking on phlegm.

Did I tell you about my coughing fit on the bus home? Oh, of course not. I haven't blogged in three centuries. It was all Chloraseptic's fault. The cooling of my sore throat triggered a tickle. That tickle turned into "Oh my God ma'am... Do you need an ambulance??!?"

Just kidding.

No one asked me that. I only had one mile 'til my final stop. And by then, I doused my cough-tickle out with water even though it took like, one entire liter of water to do so. What's that all about?

Well, where am I now 2-3 days later?

At my boyfriend's new place. I'm really not gonna tell you where he lives now. He might be embarrassed? I don't know. I mean, I live in a similar situation. But oh well. His bad luck and these economic times were no help. He'll be fine. He's definitely ventured out farther in life than I have.

Note: My boyfriend spidey-sensed I was typing about him and called out "I'm not embarrassed!" then laughed a hearty genuine laugh. Hmmm, alright then. Everyone: He lives with his mom. But it's only for the summer... Maybe.

Wow, I want breakfast right now.

Oo, wait. This blog is about skin picking / dermatillomania. Shooooot. Did I? I think I did a little. Bump on my arm here, bump on my arm there. May have gone overboard on picking at my chest on Friday. But not life altering overboard. No pain. I'm not letting myself get bored so much. Also, whenever I feel the urge to pick, I've been clenching both of my fists for 10-60 seconds, or breathing slowly and deeply, or thinking positively, or all of the above.

It's working!

My skin picking has been less frequent. Skin picking is so stupid. It's like overeating so that you don't have to face problems or deal with emotions. I would definitely not want to be in a high government position. I would be picking my skin all the bloody time! (No pun intended.)

Hmmm...

Breakfast time. I may come back to continue today's post if anything significant happens.

Bye ;)


p.s. The Hangover... Oh my... AMAZING movie. I feel like I am Zach Galifianakis. No, I'm not a man with a potbelly and Jesus beard, but I've always wondered why my friends call me 'random' and ask 'could you please stick to the subject?'

In summary, my words and statements boggle the mind of most individuals.

:)

Meh.

Today is already a bust in the do-not-pick-your-skin realm.

I picked at my chest a bit. It wasn't a long picking session. It was mild-medium. No injury really. Doesn't mean I don't hate myself for it though. I was just bored after work today. I'm also still feeling sick, congested, and my dogs wouldn't stop barking at me to feed them. Mangy mutts.

So because I'm not feeling well, I feel optimistic yet down on my luck. I received some photos yesterday from my aunt in Lubbock, Texas, of when she visited us at our house in Phoenix, Arizona. I'm like, 3 or 4 in the photos and I'm posing with my parents on our old house's front step. My brother wasn't born yet. In any case, seeing another (although "new") photo of when I was young and how unfreckled/unpicked my skin was makes me sad. Also, seeing a photo of when I was young makes me wish I had focused on becoming a good musician at a younger age. I had the chance, but didn't take it. This totally makes me even sadder. But that's a different story. I can't take the knowledge I know now and apply it to a younger me even if I had some kind of time machine. I'm stuck in my ways and that's that. All I can do is try to be productive using the leftover set of neurotransmitters that permeate whatever interests and habits I continue to have.

Except for that one neurotransmitter that makes picking at my skin seem like a hot commodity. I would LOVE to be rid of that one. Ugh.

But yeah, some days I really despise my age And my freckled/tanned skin. Well, my arms at least. That's really the only tan thing on my body. Everywhere else? Pretty much white. I'm on a mission to find a coat I can wear all year long -- through sweltering summers especially. I want my arms to get as light as the rest of my skin, dammit! Or maybe I should quit walking 2 miles to work in the sun. Blasted sunblock doesn't do shit to prevent tanning. Ok, it kind of works. But it definitely doesn't reverse tanning as good as a jacket or pair of pants do.

Well, there you have it... MY DREAM.

I probably seem like I'm too worried about looking good or being healthy? You can blame my actor's mentality I guess. I gotta tell you though, I was WAY, WAY more obsessed with looking good in high school. I don't wear makeup or worry about my hair anymore. I even dress like a hobo most days I work. Woo! I've slowly freed myself from the realm of outer appearances!

Eh... I take that back.

I haven't totally freed myself entirely. If I completely freed myself from worrying about appearances, I'd have the ugliest teeth on the planet. I like white, cavity-free teeth thank you. And flossing. :)

Have a good evening you's. You's who read this whom I don't know.

I'm gonna go call about a damn car. Wish me luck. Ciao.

Banter.

I'm here, I'm here.

Forgot to blog yesterday.

It's ok though. Nothing really significant happened. I was feeling awesome and sick at the same time. It was weird. Very questionable. I picked at my skin a little -- a little face and arm pickin'. But not a lot. So that's awesome.

Today, despite my probably contagious sore throat from coughing so much, I'm hanging out with my boyfriend. I'm trying to be as silent as I can because he is discussing E3 with his gaming buddies across the USA and England. It will air on a podcast called Entertainment Overload sometime this week. It's available for download on iTunes.

So right now... I'm just blogging, selling stuff on Ebay, and looking for a car on AutoTrader while he's recording for this podcast. They've been talking for 1.5 hours now. He's having fun. He's debating about the new games announced, Paul McCartney's appearance, cracking random jokes, and trying to make me squirm (he can't really keep his hands off my you know whats). Hahaha :)

My boyfriend's friend Justin has so many podcasts he's involved in. It's always nice when he lets my boyfriend join in as a guest 'banter-er'. My boyfriend also does a really good imitation of Aqua Man. His awesome, ridiculous imitation is implemented into the Entertainment Overload podcast, or the Geekland Podcast every once in awhile.

Side note: We went and got Subway, cookies, and Starbuck's 1-hour prior to him having to be present for this podcast recording. Mmmm!

I just wanted to blog about what I ate.

Alright. Think positive. You're beautiful. That's what I'm gonna keep telling myself so I won't have any skin pickin' mishaps the rest of the day.

Also, my boyfriend wants me to type that he is beautiful. So there you go boyfriend. You're beautiful too. And I believe it. (He wanted me to type that, as well.)

Oh Me, Oh My.

I didn't really pick at my skin today. Last night, I went a little crazy by picking at my chest. Grr. I was dehydrated and constipated... what can you expect? I will implement 'my plan/tactics' to conquer this skin picking more fiercely late at night. It prevented me from picking a ton last time, I just didn't use it last night. The sores are there. And they hurt. But that's the price I have to pay for what I did.

And now for a TMI moment:

I woke up this morning at 4am with a different kind of pain. I couldn't sleep and got up out of bed. Saw that my mom was up getting ready for work and so I talked to my her about what I was experiencing. She said it happens to her all the time. She gave me a mild laxative. LOL. I guess I really was constipated... :?

Or it could be kidney stones. That's a possibility... or yeah... whatever else.

End of TMI moment.


Haha!

I went to bed at 1am last night and left for work at 7:20am. That's not really a big deal or anything, but it made me extremely irritable at work even though I'm used to sleeping very little. Weird huh? We got so slammed with morning customers in the short time I was there. I work at a credit union and I was at drive-thru, manning it and manning the front counters. I love running, but I really just felt so pissed at everyone. I was pissed at them for existing and being there (the customers). I started going into panic attack mode, but continued to work and just tried to deal with it as best as I could. Got off work 15 minutes early to make up for staying late this past Saturday. That was nice.

I'm usually really good at handling busy situations. I just don't know what came over me today. I stayed as calm as I could even though I was feeling very 'fight or flight'. I really need to do some more yoga on my days off. I should maybe cut back my intense gym workouts. That may be allotting me too much unfulfilled adrenaline on non-workout days... to the point that I get frustrated easily. I've also cut out soymilk for the time being. I think I may have overdone that.

After work, went to Fresh & Easy to get some veggies, fruits, almonds, and I forget what else. Fresh & Easy wasn't very busy. I think I was able to calm down because of that. At the food sample counter, I talked with a lady who moved here from Scranton, Pennsylvania. She's never heard of or seen The Office. I explained the show to her and its English origin as well as the various international versions out there. She said she couldn't imagine why there would be a hit show based on Scranton -- "It's so dirty there" But that's not all we talked about, the subject of The Office and Dirtville only lasted a minute or two.

Anyway... that store and the weather really helped calm down my anxiety post-work. The weather was breezy and nice even though it was barely under 100 degrees. It was crazy and awesome yo.

Well, enough boring blog stuff. I really think my blogs are getting boring or were boring to begin with. I need to post like, songs and poems on here that I've created. Or something. I'm just really glad very few people read this. And I mean, it's not like it's my official blog. It's my 'I have a serious problem and I'm trying to overcome it' blog. Hence the reason there are very few photos on here. Hmmm... maybe I'll post some someday -- not of dermatillomania... but just funny stuff from my day. It might make me feel better and help me overcome this OCD faster? Maybe...

Ok. It's brownies time. The oven is ringing, telling me they're done. I wanna get to sleep early tonight, hit the gym tomorrow, edit some photos, read about improv, read some plays, conquer overdue chores, play music... it's my day off! Oo baby!

T-minus 4 days until I have to start watching my neighbors house for a month -- watering her gazillion plants, feeding her dog, giving him his medicine, and what not.

Umm... yay?

Well, her backyard is pretty at least. :)

Stinker.

Today was chill and rambunctious...

Spent the night at my boyfriend's so, naturally, I was there when I woke up. We ate breakfast/lunch at Wildflower Bread Company, then watched a movie together, then I went home.

I felt huge today. I should stop running on the treadmill. My legs are getting much too muscular and inflated. Not to mention my already huge ass as well. I wanna be able to fit in my skinny jeans, so I better stop. Eek.

A little skin picking today. Nothing major. I don't think there will be days where I will be completely void of skin picking even just one little pimple or bump. Everyone does it. I even saw my boyfriend picking at in grown hairs. Everyone picks once in awhile. But some of us get obsessed.

My dad just came in my room to talk to me. Now I'm feeling negative about myself even though what he said was about my computer. His voice bothers me. He makes everyone feel like crap. Hahahaha. Ohhh, I'm feeling very irritable now. He has this yelling, matter of fact kind of voice. And he's always trying to persuade people... ALWAYS. Trying to get them to do this, and do that. He's got a salesman mentality because of his small business. So annoying. He's always asking our opinions as if he's not confident and needs to rely on people. He ends everything he says with "...right??"

I know he's ultra smart though, so it really bugs me. He tries to get our opinions just so he can turn it around on us later and blame us for something he did. It never fails. He's always looking for his next scapegoat.

Well... anywho.

I'm gonna go drink some green tea and stop drinking soy for awhile. I'm gonna drink more water too. I already drink a liter or two a day, but I'm gonna up that shit to more water liters.

Night night.



p.s. Work is short tomorrow! Then... yoga time!!

?

I didn't blog yesterday. Oh well. It's not a crime. I just didn't feel like it. :)

Ummmm uh numma numm...

Went to work. Stayed an hour after because some customer lady didn't know what she was doing. I did 5 separate receipts for her. Did I mention I work at a credit union. Doing 5 receipts for one person is a big flipping deal. She said she's gonna come back until her credit union has their shared branching system working again. Really, lady? Not if you're gonna come 3 minutes before we close and keep us there for 1 hour. I will literally spray you in the face with mase.

So the rest of the day included working out, setting up my new monitor so that I could give back the one my brother was lending me. New computer still isn't set up though. Gotta find a way to get all the files on this computer to the new one. I'm only keeping the bare minimum, mostly photos, but it's still many many gigs. My dad keeps telling me he's gonna the terabyte servers setup so that I can transfer my files to them from my old computer as a temporary safe holding place. But my dad runs a business and he never does what he says he's gonna do... This week though.. for sure... new computer will be setup. I am loving this new monitor that takes up most of my desk though. It's huge.

So hung out with my boytoy later. It was fun. Scrounging for cheap food late at night, then watching old Mythbusters on Tivo. For food, Taco Bell won out. I got meatless burritos. Yum.

Um... yeah...

That's it!

And about the skin picking thing... I really don't recall if I did? If so, it was just minimal picking of the arms. Very minimal. And I know this because my skin is not in any major pain. Awesome!

Pistachio.

The day started out great and positive, but by the end, I was tired of hearing complaining/ungrateful customers after a 9 hour work day. I was tired of running around as well, trying my hardest to be there and please everyone. Then to top it all off, my dad and brother really set me off. Being blamed for a choice your sibling made is VERY bothersome. Having a scattered, forgetful dad is terrible as well. Then to have your mom talk to you, belittling you after getting dad's side of the story (the wrong side, of course; my dad is too scatter-brained to tell an accurate story) makes me even sadder.

Needless to say... by the end of the work day, I was hyperventilating, feeling tingly and dizzy, trying to hold back tears though they still came streaming out -- And embarrassingly enough, while on the phone with my boyfriend telling him he's not allowed to attend my cousin's graduation party afterall per my dad's orders. (There's way more to the story than that... it's so deep in irony and mischief it's crazy, but I won't go into it. It's just stupid and pointless when it all comes down to it. Causing someone to cry over it was not necessary. There was a simple solution, but my dad was not smart enough to listen to anyone of us. And he pushed the issue further.)

Anyway, went to my cousin's reception at her and my other cousin's house. It was cool. Lots of fresh fruit and salad and desserts (my other cousin's pistachio-ice-cream-oreo-crust-square-thingys were delish). And there was also... lots of meat. Chicken breasts, hamburgers, but I had none o' that! Yuck. I was surprised to find out the cousin who graduated last night only eats chicken and fish once in awhile -- no beef. And I think she said she tried to become a vegetarian? Ah, I forget. But that was still cool to find out.

These cousin's I had not seen in a few years actually. It was nice to visit with them. But oh man, I do wish I were 18 again. Or 21. They were all surprised to hear I was 24. They thought I was 21. Haha. Embarrassing. I wish I could go back. I shouldn't dwell on it though. It's tends to get me into a depressive state.

I'm amazed that with how emotional the day was and how much coffee I drank (8 ounces at most), I didn't outright attack my skin. I did start picking my skin a little little bit, however, as we were leaving my cousin's house. I'm pretty sure it was out of boredom and tiredness. And the fact that my dad and his cousin would not stop talking. I'm all for talking awhile, but not when people have to get up early for work!!

Oh...

My parents also mentioned to everyone that I still don't have a car. That also made me feel quite embarrassed. And maybe even 'uncool'. My brother didn't attend this reception thing because he was hanging with his girlfriend, but my parents were quick to mention how he is younger than me (which they know already, duh) AND has a car. My parents also mentioned the fact that they were willing to help him look for a car, but not me...

Are you trying to make me sad again? I just got over the panic attack you gave me earlier, you ninnies.

Toward the end of the night, things just got a little more embarrassing by the moment. If you really want to make me sad/mad/embarrassed just mention how I suck at life, then you'll really sock it to me. I'm such a low life. I should just... not exist? That's how I feel. I don't know why I'm here on earth. I'm always pondering that question like an ugly doofus...

Well, gotta get up early for work again. Goodnight.

Pomp n' Circumstance.

I felt fantastic today! Then by late afternoon I only felt kind of fantastic. Still, yesterday's workout did wonders for me to be feeling so good today! Oh, and maybe because I had today off from work. That might have something to do with it...

I kind of messed with my skin today. It's really hard not to. My skin is acting weird. Breaking out kind of. It's bothering the hell outta me. No major skin picking sessions though. I just gotta not think about my skin, how it's um, oilier than normal? Kinda sorta. Slightly oily-ish. I gotta get over it. Because picking only makes it more noticeable. Yeah? YES...

I did DDR today. Loved it. I didn't hit the gym, so that's what I ended up doing for maybe 50 minutes or so. Attended my cousin's graduation, ate a late dinner after with my dad and brother. My dad and brother were the only one's at the graduation. My mom still has bronchitis. :(

The graduation was pretty cool. Lots of speeches. But it was quaint. It's a Catholic school/church so it was held inside where, well, church service would be held. Haha, yeah, THAT place. Only 50 students graduated. Whoa? I'm used to 800-900 student graduations and being outside in the stadium bleachers (or sitting on the field as a graduate) and being heavily rained upon, or... dust stormed upon. So it was a nice change.

The students had the titles of their thesis' in the program booklet thingy. The titles were pretty hilarious and also eye-opening even without reading their actual thesis papers.

Alright, work is a long one tomorrow. 9 hours. It's really not that long, but yet it so IS. We're gonna be busy. Silly Friday's (the day, not the restaurant TGIFriday's). :)

My cousin's graduation reception is tomorrow night so I'm sure I'll be attending that after work with my brother and dad. My mom probably won't be there... unless she feels better? I doubt it. She's been sick for almost a week now. Poor gal.

I'm gonna read myself to sleep. Then tomorrow, I'm gonna sneak some reading in at work even though it's totally illegal there. Just gotta steer clear of the cameras? Wish me success?


Buh-bye puddin' pop.

Long (Life's) Journey.

Not much skin pickin' happened today, but last night... YEAH. I picked at the place I really, really, really do not want to be picking at. I stayed up too late, zoned out, and thus, ended up picking. I failed to grab my stress ball or anything else (my rain coat/poncho bundled in its little pouch would have sufficed, earth to me!). I couldn't seem to turn away from 'doing the unnecessary' and hurting my skin. Ugh. I was in the skin picking zone... The worst place to be... Don't ever be there!

I didn't do much damage though. I will say that. THANK THE LORD. It's fine. It's perfectly fine. I can still get back on track and conquer this OCD shit... and bury its remains in Captain Hook's dumpster somewhere in Neverland (if they have those there).

Today was pretty great. Work was alright. I brought everyone biscotti I had made. Gingerbread biscotti. They loved it. I'm hoping some of my co-workers will order some. I'm thinking they might...

After work, I had the best workout I've ever had in a long, long time (even though I workout like, everyday). I did run/speed walk intervals on the treadmill for 25 minutes, then cycling for 5 minutes as a cool down (um, more like a super fast, top speed, I can't control my legs cardio cool down...). Then I lifted weights. I did some few upper body work moves, but it was fairly intense. I lift everytime I visit the gym, but today I think I may have tried harder... ? Or was just killing time before my pilates class started.

Yup, (mostly) just killing time. The time slot for my pilates class arrived pretty swiftly.

Pilates was great today. Haven't done an actual pilates class in awhile. I've been focusing on yoga classes and DVDs a lot lately. Although I do encompass a few pilates moves in my day-to-day activities. For example, before work starts, I'm doing pilates outside on the cement while waiting for the manager to arrive and unlock the damn place, or in the breakroom where people alsmost trip over me or ask why I care about my appearance so much. I do all this so that I can feel aligned and ready to kickass at work, OK?? HIIIIIIII YA! <--- (my attempt at what ninjas say right before they kick someone in the face... except it's while I'm at work and after I do that pilates-muh-jig)

Went to the library. Got some books. About acting. Yes. And a play. Yes.

I've been feeling so nervous lately. I think I've made a choice in my life and I'm really not used to making big choices. So I feel uneasy. Because underneath my choice, I'm still not sure about it. Ugh. That's the fun in life though... not being sure about anything, any path you are choosing to embark upon. It makes human existance FUN.

Well... le sigh.

I'm gonna go drink a homemade iced soy chai latte. I'm almost done making it. I stopped making it to type this blog. Ack, why did I do that??? Silly me. I'm craving one SO bad!

Um, oh yeah...

I'm must mention that I'm gonna go to my cousin's high school graduation tomorrow night since I felt downright TERRIBLE for missing her pre-graduation/birthday party. (Her birthday is exactly 1 month away... I didn't understand why she would combine the two. To save money? Haha, that's a good enough explanation for me. I still didn't attend.) She went to a Catholic school. I'm sure she'll be happy not to have to wear uniforms anymore. do Catholic university's require uniforms? That would totally be Sucksville.

Ok ok.

Chilly Chai + Addict Me = Now!

Mmmmm...



Toodle-loo.


p.s. My three Weimaraner dogs got into my mom's Vitamin E oil tonight. It was sitting on her desk. They ate it ALL. Lapped up every last bit of it.

I really wish I worked tomorrow. Those dogs are gonna be puking until hell freezes over. Pure breeds... Extremely sensitive stomachs... *sigh*

Madame Blogscelot.

Mmmmhmm!

Today was good:

a) I hardly picked at my skin... though I seem to have broken out a little on my shoulders and it bothers the hell outta me... (perfectionist much? ch-YEAH.)

b) I felt uber positive all day...

c) Work was shorty, sweety, and breezy...

d) Worked out...

e) Went to the public library... checked out some acting related books... Stanislavsky... Improv... I just wanna go more in depth with these this summer... more in depth than what I've already learned...

f) A particular person's biscotti order is finally gonna be delivered tomorrow. I'm using a middle-man (ahem, my boyfriend) to get it to them. The order is for his auntie. :)


Today's not so goods:

a) My coworker's husband was robbed by some Mexicans at a truck stop on his way to Wisconsin. He used to be a truck driver (hence the stop at a truck stop). He took a nap in his parked SUV at the truck stop and woke up to a gun in his back. They just took all his money and threw his wallet in a field. That's all.

b) My boyfriend's poor car is undriveable. His tire suddenly got a flat. That means no more hanging out for awhile. I can deal. Or I may just end up lending him more money to fix it.

Ok. So those 'not so goods' really aren't that terrible. They are scary though. Eh. I just wanted to mention them to make this blog... more... entertaining? Things could be and are worse out there... I don't even want to imagine... because I can very easily imagine the terribleness. :/


On another note, I may do a biscotti order for someone's wedding. Woo!? An old co-worker of mine's weddin'. Although I find cooking sweet treats monotonous sometimes and I just want it to end and I feel like I can't go on... Doing this biscotti order would still be fantastic. I especially can't wait to dress 'em up all purdy... :P

Alright so, I just had some green tea and I'm about to go to bed extra early. I don't think I can do it. I'll probably lie in bed for a good hour or two before falling asleep. I best do some yoga, super fast sit-ups, DDR, or a full-out 1,000 yard dash through the neighborhood! And give everyone in the world the chance to kidnap me. But who would want lil' ol' me? Bleh. It's times like these I wish I had a good book to read. I miss you, Harry Flower Potter...

I know very few read this blog... but anyone have any good book suggestions?

Fiction preferred. I wanna escape reality. I don't think improv or Stanislavski books will cut it. I should read some more Shakespeare I guess.

I still have a headache too. Is my Tylenol expired? *checks bottle*

...No, it's fricking brand new.

Chica-whuhhh??





Sleep tight.