Mr. Today.

I must consistently blog to stay away from my skin. I must, I MUST!

It keeps me from going completely mental.



Wow Mr. Today, you were pretty good. Things got hectic and busy but I could handle you. Was sad to hear that another grocery store near my house was closing. GREAT sale they're having, oh hell yes, I stopped by to partake. But it was hardly worth it when you know in another week they'll be gone for good. Ghetto-abandoned-gangster-neighborhood, here we come... even closer now... full-fledged ghettoness in the near future.

Man, I can wait to bake some gluten-free COOKAYS!! I bought a gluten-free, dairy-free, NUT-free sugar cookie mix. Mmm, mmm. I want them. I was gonna make them tonight, but realized I was out of dairy-free milk beverages. I LOVED reading the back of the box and finding the words "1/2 cup soy milk" as a required wet ingredient for this mix. I'm not gonna substitute dairy for that ish! No way! I shall wait til I have boughten (sp?) more soy or almond milk. (...Which would defeat the whole purpose of the mix being 'nut-free'. Psh, I frankly don't care about that.)

Tomorrow night I guess I'm going to a healing service at Our Lady of Mount Carmel Catholic Church with my mom. She's all jazzed since she's been in tremendous pain lately. I hope that's what they're talking about when they mention healing? LOL. "My fellow apostles, DO leg extensions and you will HEAL." I think it'll be more spiritual than anything. Hope my mom isn't disappointed; hopefully she has an idea it will probably be prayer based. She's smart enough to know that beforehand, I think. But yeah... we've definitely strayed from going to church consistently for the past 6 years. Classic strayed Catholics, yo. Whatcha gonna do? However, I do and always have missed singing in the church band. Rock 'n Roll church baby. And I kind of do miss church. Life seemed happier then actually...

. . .

Ummm . . .

Oh yeah skin picking update: No picking! Well, except for that scab on my chin. I'll pretend that doesn't count since the a bully pimple made me pick at it in the first place! Wretched bully pimples should disappear forever in eternal detention...

. . .

Uhhh . . .



Goodnight, Mr. Today.


:)

Thangz.

Alright... I just Twittered "time to blog" and thus blogspotters... it is time to BLOG.

Today, not much skin picking. Maybe a little picking at the scabs on my face and those cystic acne beeotches that are still lingering on my funny face. They too may turn into scabs if I don't keep my hands off of them. But work boredom can damage your skin if you let it. Gotta put up a fight and draw or something.

So yeah, went to work today. Felt tired, yet energetic again. I kind of went in and out of a bad mood because of this. I went from hating people to kind of loving them to just plain disliking most things. As the end of my shift neared, I definitely got a bit more excited, perky, awake -- I mean, afterall, my cute boyfriend was picking me up so we could hangout and do photography.

It wasn't me doing photography or anything. (Yeah yeah, I know I have tons of photos to edit and post on Flickr. I'll get to them one of these days.) The photo shoot involved me in *ahem, modest moment* a bikini *modest moment over*. Nah, I'm not that freaked out about wearing bikinis. I've worn them all my life whenever the day involved swimming pools, sprinklers, water parks, tanning, or sun burning. But I'm not that ecstatic about wearing them things when a camera is around, especially if I know I will most likely be seeing them on a friend's Facebook somewhere. People I don't know and will never see again... go ahead, take as many photos of my cottage cheese ass as you want. Just don't show me them. Don't 'send me a link!' to view them. And don't say 'hi' to me ever again online or in real life either.

Anyway, I had fun. Putting on silly makeup. Then sitting in the newly bought, and un-used doggy pool. (My boyfriend wanted there to be a child-like element in this photo shoot, hence the tiny dog pool. ) As far as the actual, pictures themselves? It is neither no surprise nor un-girly of me to say -- I did not care for the photos that happen to show my backside. I mean, my thighs are obviously bleh, but my boney back had -- would you believe! -- a deep SKIN FOLD when I turned my body a certain way. What?! (It was probably more like a fat fold.)

Girl bodies are tragic and confusing. I couldn't stop thinking about what I had seen during the ride home with my boyfriend. My boyfriend reassured me 'guys love that'. I don't really care if guys love that (boys, that is a disgusting thing to like by the way), but I personally just want to be happy with my body. Agh, no matter how thin I get, my backside will always have that certain shape to it that I have learned to loathe. I just refuse to look anymore. No photos, no mirrors, no nothing. It always launches me into this obsessive, depressive rant in my mind in which I eventually beg God to tell me why I was created so horribly. And vow to eat nothing but ice shavings.

Ugh.

Comparing yourself to others is a beeotch. I hate it HATE IT.

Hmmm...

Whatever.

I feel good tonight overall now that I am home and have my sleepy eyes fixed on going to bed early. I have decided tonight that I will join 43 Things (http://www.43things.com). I didn't understand the concept of the site before until last night. I didn't really view it as a positive website. I only saw it as a site about fannyboppers obsessing over their goals and tactics of one day meeting some celebrity or band. It completely turned me off from looking into the site further just for that reason. But last night, I did a Google search on some personal issues -- finding what your true calling is in life, fighting OCD, etc. -- and I came upon 43 Things. There is some damn good advice from those misconceived 43 Thing'ers. Decent advice from people who already feel they have achieved their goals and all that. Awesome reading and inspiration for sure.

Don't know if I quite have a list of 43 things I want to accomplish, but I'm sure it's close to that number. It can be the smallest thing too. Yay! I'll start small -- on the very most important things.

Goodnight.

Poritty. (Pores + Gritty)

Ok, this is not good.

I picked at my skin a bit in the places I have been desperately trying to avoid. (Chest, mainly.) Frickinnnnnnn' A!

Today I felt weird. Had a slight upset stomach, felt energetic, dreary, and tired all at once. It's the coffee I'm sure. (Though I do drink liters upon liters of water too.) My skin is also bothering me to NO END. I have cystic acne on my face. Not a ton, but enough to make me cry. What's the deal? Is the coffee causing the pores of my skin to be stupid? My pores feels gritty no matter what lately. AGAIN, I swear it's the coffee. Or the Clinique benzoyl peroxide moisturizer... if so, my skin should be fine in another week. Hopefully...

Geesh, gals who can drink coffee (or whatever), not go all obsessive over their skin, and still maintain a bump-less complexion... I wanna punch them in their damn ugly faces. (Ok, they're not ugly... they just have perfect skin. ...I still hate them.)

Alright, it's just not me. My skin is naturally way the hell sensitive. It burns and tans easily, has semi-large pores. It's just not in my DNA to be fair skinned and young looking, beautiful. I was born to look sun-damaged, wrinkly, trashed, old, ugly. *nervous laugh* Hahaaa... It's alright... I GET IT.

(Thanks, Bozo.)

It still doesn't mean I'm not bothered by it. I have a right to be. Afterall, I am skin OCD like the dickens. (See Dermatillomania)

Ok, agh... I can't continue talking about this. I usually end up in tears every time I blog. To you non-skin-OCD'ers, you can laugh all year if you want. Because you have no such problem and live in lah-dee-dah land with your non-psychotic mind hanging on a golden clothes line for all to marvel and admire. Just know this... I hate you too.

(Hahahahaha!)

Anyway, today was good. Got an ugly haircut, wasted some time, felt numb in my brains, watched some tv, bought my textbooks at the bookstore for school...

OHHH!!!

Can you believe it?? I registered for classes EARLY this time! Almost 2 months early, in fact!

WEEEEEEEEEE!

And I bought my books early too. Something to be proud of. Oh hell yes. That's one great stride for procrastinatingOCDgirlkind. :) (And guys too.)

Alrighty dighty... worked out with my mom tonight too. I really hit the weights. I love lifting the heaviest weights I can lift in slow motion. I love how it kills me.

Goodnight.

Grim Swirly.

Today was pretty successful in the skin department. I picked at my face and arms a tiny bit, but avoided picking the areas (i.e. the chest) that I generally have trouble keeping my fingers and nails off of. So that's good.

Didn't do a whole lot today on a day off. Contemplated painting, writing music, but in the end just settled for making bread in the bread machine (which I did just now... late at night, haha). And I sang out loud to my dogs and cats since no one was home. But that's normal for me. Making up senseless songs with the weird nicknames I come up with for my pets. Oh, and laundry. Half a load of laundry. You see, my brother swooped right in before I could put the next load in. Or, actually, his girlfriend did. Why the fuck is she doing his laundry? My brother wasn't doing anything. That dirty rotten SCOUNDREL.

Agh, I'm sort of battling my dad right now. It's pretty funny. He gave me something in a box to sell on Ebay. Only thing is... it's not IN the box at all. I told him this and he thinks I did something with it to make it go 'missing'. Wow. What would I want with an old cable modem? Where do I plug it in? Ha! Ok, so I know where to plug it in. By why would I want something we already have? I have no clue. In my previous blog, I mentioned how scattered my dad is because of the small LED business he runs, and his lack of sleep. This 'missing modem' thing is just one example. We all take the blame for things because he can't remember shit. (Well, we don't actually take the blame, but in my dad's whacked out mind we do and should.) Not that it REALLY matters, but I can't wait for him to go to work tomorrow and see the old cable modem staring him down from his desk or workbench by one of his many, many computers. He's a dork. It's safe to say I don't really respect him and haven't for some years now (he always telling us how he's this really ideal, role model of a person, haha!). I have cried way too much from his pushy, hostile forgetfulness/critical-ness. Stupid, I know. It's amazing how someone can be so fun to hangout with one hour, and an idiotic Hitler/Saddam the next.

(Get out! Escape! And you will be fine!)

Anyway, overall, today was pretty good. It was a mixture of loving life and hating it and wishing I were dead. But I've felt this way my whole life so far. I don't know where I'm going. I kind of wish I had a consistent optimistic mood that didn't just appear in 1 hour interchangeable spurts of hopefulness and hopelessness. It's really taxing on the psyche. Very tiring. I'm not sure if there's more to life than this. I kind of don't think there is.

Dreams down the drain. Wooooo.


Goodnight.

Scatterrrrrredededed.

Hey vast empty room! How are you?

Haven't blogged in YEARS. But just wanted to say that I'm still feeling great despite spastic people at work trying to bring me down. (Miss Old Lady Worry-Wort and I apologized to each other and made up... for now . . . til' her 'thyroid' acts up again, I guess? Geez.)

Anyway, I've been picking at my skin... y e s s s s ... Not a whole lot, yet... a lot. I know that sounds weird, but like, it doesn't feel that big a deal even though it is. Maybe coffee and tea have just numbed my pain censors? (Not to mention my brain... cen . . sors . . . . ) Because I feel pretty fabulous. And I hate the word fabulous because it makes me sound falsely rich and retarded. Grr.

I'm working out a little more lately. Short workouts. Very slow slow excruciating weight lifting to limit the bulk aka the 'lean fat pudgy muscle' look. It's been taking the sting of skin picking away a bit and decreasing stress from life overall (duh, that's what it's supposed to do). My mom has been going with me as well. I'm really proud my mom has decided to workout after so many many years of NOT working out (or working out a total of one time a year). She's looking great! She's still having trouble with back and knee problems due to her knee cap suddenly breaking in half all by itself one day this past February.

Ohhhh... you know knee caps don't suddenly decide to divide while you're lying down motionless watching tv, but I won't say that hasn't happened to someone on this earth. But yeah... she did... and her knee... yeah... ouch... I'm sure I blogged about it somewhere on here...

In other news, I have my eye on a car now... OFFICIALLY! Yaaaay!

A Scion xB. I'm in love with it for some reason. I drove one (the newer body style) to New Mexico a couple years ago on a road trip with my dad, but never thought much of it. My dad was the fan, I wasn't or felt indifferent. So on the brink of hopelessness in never finding a car I wanted, I test drove one to be silly I guess. Both new and old body styles. And oh man... I want one like a cat wants catnip!!!! It simply FEELS right. The view is great. I feel I can drive safely and confidently in it.

I'm gonna buy it used for sure. I'm looking for slightly cheaper options on Auto Trader, Craigslist, and what not before making my final decision with LeSueur VW. They are the nicest guys at LeSueur. $400 off. County tax only. No haggle. So I've got a good thing going there if I do decide to buy from them.

:)

I'm just not looking forward to my dad telling all his friends "my daughter bought this xB because of me, everyonnnnnnnne..." Oh puh-LEAZE. You only wish you inspired me. And he better not ask to borrow it. If he wanted one so bad, he should've bought one himself instead of that new Diesel Jetta Wagon.

I love him, but my dad is scattered. Oh-so scatter-brained. Some days it drives me up a wall. And I'm sure it's the reason I am a bit scatter brained and confused about life. Yay?



Guh-night!

No More Anything.

Picked at my chest an hour ago then jumped in the shower. Oh the pain the hot water brought to my wounded skin...

I also picked the same area last night.

i'm not a big coffee drinker. I have it maybe once a week or every two weeks. Lately, I have been drinking coffee the past few days straight. Half cup to one cup a day. I have definitely noticed I can't get to sleep for the life of me even though I drink the coffee before 12pm. At night, I've had more dreams about tornadoes and writing songs on the piano than ever. Funny thing is, despite the more rapid heartbeat, coffee seems to calm my mind and help me to not think too hard about things. But today, I am feeling more ADD and sluggish than normal, which is a stark contrast to my ADD on non-coffee days where I'm running around the house bouncy and with no coherent goal in mind. (I don't know if I have truly ADD, that's just how I like to describe it.) I have also felt more creative these past few coffee days. Today though... motivation to do anything has been zilch. I've just overall felt more relaxed.

The main reason I drank coffee the past few days was to see if I pick at my skin more or less. You would think coffee would make one pick at their skin more. But I haven't noticed an increase actually. It seems when I drink 2 servings of tea - green or black - there is an increase in picking. On days I drink zero caffeine, I think my picking tendencies can go either way on those days. Tomorrow I won't be having caffeine. Of course, I probably won't pick at my skin (especially my chest - the area I am most desperately trying to stop picking altogether) because I picked at it today and yesterday, and the sores hurt a lot.

I also weighed myself today and... *dun dun dun*... got bummed out. I weigh near 160 again. I guess for being 5'8" it's not a big deal. I was down to 150 though about a month or two ago, so I am saddened that I am suddenly 160. My trips to the gym have increased during the past 2 weeks. My body feels firm, but my thighs are on the verge of being too big for my skinny jeans. I'm kicking myself for not remembering what kind of workout routine I was doing earlier this year to get so thin. I can't seem to find my 'perfect formula' anymore. Hmm, I was doing a lot more errands/running around earlier this year, that might have been the key ingredient. I was also saddened to learn muscle weighing more than fat is a complete myth. Hahahaha... *sigh* Aaaaawwwwww... :(

I'm also not used to weighing myself obsessively. I've increased my 'weighing habits' in the past month or two, and that's probably caused the increase in weight. (Worrying about how much I weigh all the time, trying to eat as perfectly healthy as possible and failing, etc.)

I'm chucking that damn scale out the window.


Alright. I am bummed now. No more anything of anything anymore.

Blog About Rob.

Hi Rob.



Bye Rob.



♥

Crumbling.

Today wasn't a very productive day. I'm feeling really mad and apathetic about it too. On the positive side, I didn't pick at my skin! Wish I could say the same about last night though... :/

Anyway, tonight I promised not talk about 'taking my own life' with my boyfriend anymore - otherwise he would break up with me (love isn't always unconditional, y'all). I mean, I don't think he understands why I would feel like that, but it's something that I've contemplated ever since I was 13. I think everyone thinks about it once in a blue moon as a what-if scenario. I actually did try it when I was 14 or 15. Took some pills and went to sleep. But obviously I'm still here - I did wake up. I really didn't want it to succeed anyhow. It was over something stupid anyway, but I just felt so very very awful and sick about it.

So yeah. I think around my period especially I feel really demented and hopeless. It's the time that I realize my life is essentially stupid. 24 and nothing to show for it. For someone who likes to be on stage or doing something in the entertainment realm... the feeling is worse than a breakup. It's a heartbreaking feeling that is constantly there - day after day, year after year. The feeling of wasting your life and not applying yourself fully in accomplishing a dream. But that's only because you don't know what dream to dream. You're in limbo walking along this long dark hallway, with many doors. You see light at the end of the hallway, but you never get there. It's still so far away... the hallway stretches indefinitely to make sure of it...

Agh. My heart crumbles all the time.



Goodnight.

MAJOR Intervention.

I am very tired of this.

I picked at my skin too much today. I was stressed and it felt totally worth it. But I will be crying and regretting it tonight, the next day, or next month.

I loathe people with beautiful porcelain skin. Because the part of me that the world sees... has freckles, age spots, sun damage, scars, all mixed with some ugly tan. It's completely not fair. They complain about their skin too -- about how they need a tan or some really stupid shit like that -- and I cry more. I wouldn't mind the tan so much if I had clear, spot/scar-free skin. Skin I could be proud of and not always want to hide.

I am blessed in the fact that everywhere -- other than my arms and face -- my skin is tan-free and free of damage for the most part. My face and arms are the only places I look 50 years old.

Hmm... I started to write a song about skin picking a few years ago. It's not complete. The intro pretty much is. I have the intro lyrics and the music to it still in my head. I really wanna finish it. I would cry too much singing it. I think someone else would have to sing it once it was finally complete.

I'll continue blogging more frequently. I don't know what to do other than that. I really wanna murder my own brain so I can be rid of this OCD vice of mine.





I WANNA TO STOP THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH GOD PLEASE STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Maybe there's no point in stopping though? I already look old. Curing myself of skin picking won't erase years of damage. Gah, that really kills my heart. It rips it to shreds. :(

I would do anything to go back in time. I wanna kneel on the ground with my hands out to the sky screaming my face off. I am just that saddened and angry at all of this. All of my dumb stupid stupid choices. And why I had to start picking in the first place. At least I'm not Helen Keller though. That would really suck. I'm just obsessed with trying to be as beautiful as possible.

...OBVIOUSLY, it's not working.

You Are Not Alone.

I have kind of picked at my skin a lot lately. I feel ashamed and freed at the same time.

Weird?

I am gonna try harder to stop myself. I don't know what else to do. I've been zoning out during the day lately. Getting bored. Though I have no reason to be.

I'm working on getting to sleep earlier every night. I really want these scabs to go away. I'm hoping getting more sleep will help prevent me from picking at my skin. A better sense of well-being? That's odd. I'm already this self-centered person who takes time out for herself too much. You'd think I'd have enough 'well-being' already...

I've also been trying to get really thin. Don't know if it's working... or... well, it was working. PMS kind of screws things up (gals get really hungry a week before their periodz!). I think my hunger increased though because of my calorie restriction this past week. Mix calorie restriction with PMS and you have double trouble. I got to eat right, but not obsess over it. That's the key. No matter how difficult it is -- no obsessing!! Eat right, but take the focus off of the calorie counter on your iPod Touch. At least I still have a natural love for the gym. I will be working on increasing my yoga and pilates sessions as well this week. Gotta get rid of this yoga and pilates dry spell.

In other news, registered for a class today. Whoopty. Figured out how to make these contact lenses more comfortable at today's eye appointment. Walked 3 miles under an umbrella in the blazing sun to and from said eye appointment (it's cardio, baby!). Filled many water jugs at the store. May be moving in with a friend from theatre this August. Gotta see this house first though before I decide... May look at it tomorrow.





I feel so ambitious, but don't know where to start. I have these dreams -- all my life -- that easily get torn apart. Stick with it, I say to my silly heart.



Goodnight.

Sore Wounds.

Picked at my chest tonight out of boredom and hatred of my life.

Boo.

I'm really running out of options here. I may need to get some serious help to overcome these skin picking urges. It makes me cry to think about it. Gah. I don't want it to come to that AT ALL. I dread it so much. Especially all the money that might have to go into it.

Womp. :(


Um...

So other than that, today was a low-key, good day. Went to work, hung out with the boyfriend, took all 3 dogs for a walk/jog/run.

My family is going out of town this weekend for a 4th of July camping trip. I have the 4th off! Woo! I have a coffee 'date' on the 4th of July with an older lady co-worker (she wanted to 'pay me back' for posting and selling a motorcycle on Craigslist for her son). Besides that, it's gonna be a lonely weekend, which is both good and bad. Maybe a dog or two will get left behind with me. And I always have my two cats. Yay?

Goodnight.


p.s. Our very last remaining manager (she's really an assistant manager) left three days ago. Retirement was calling her. We miss her already. Hope she is having fun living it up in Northern Arizona, living closer to her family.