Absolute Torture.

"Seriously, what woman absolutely adores how she looks in a bathing suit? 2% of women... MAYBE."



Today was a day off and it was good - Woo!

Though I still feel like I'm wasting my potential and have wasted most of my life - Boo!

Slept in 'til 9am, then 12:30pm, then 2:30pm. I didn't wanna walk out into the living room and get the day started because a certain relative was out there until 3pm. Plus, I felt embarrassed that I slept in that late. I don't want anyone saying anything about it. Because in this family, sleeping in is generally a big NO-NO... You get questioned up the ying-yang.

Anyway.

Almost no picking today. Yesterday marked a day of hardly no picking either. Good news :)

The bad news...

That photo shoot I mentioned 1 or 2 blog posts ago? ErmmYEAH, the photos of my backside in a bathing suit? Ermmmmmm... NOT so good. In fact, it looks quite dreadful. Dreadful as in... the world will end if you ever see it. Yes, THAT bad. I was tempted to cry my eyes out when I saw them. I felt this surge of woebegone emotion about to permeate from my heart, but I stopped it and thought of ways to strategically avoid thinking about what I saw.

My boyfriend sent me the photo so I could edit it and make it look acceptable and 'blemish-free' to my specifications, before he did the final edit. Whoa. WOW. That photo needs LOTS of editing. These are not just tiny blemishes, heh heh. It's pretty much un-salvageable. I wanted to crop out everything except my shoulders and face. He told me 'no' I could not. So now I'm afraid he's gonna post it as is. Oh well, I won't let anyone I know see it. I feel sorry for those who have to see it. It's absolute torture. It'll break your computer.

When it comes to female bodies, I really don't understand guys at all. Some like 'em thick, some like 'em stick thin - we all know that. But why thick? Apparently my boyfriend adores beefy, cellulite'd legs, and rumps. And that's what I don't understand - he likes girls that look like cows? At least he likes me for me right? Doesn't mean I'm not entirely disgusted with myself for looking the way I do. My boyf sees me through a pair of 'rose-colored' glasses because he's, duh, my boyfriend. While the rest of the world - they see me through no glasses at all and would puke their guts out at the first sight of me in a bikini by a pool.

I want my boyfriend to understand something that I learned about myself many years ago. I'm NOT a model in the typical sense. And I'm not willing to go completely anorexic to be one either. (Maybe partially anorexic... Ha.) But seriously, the part I want him to understand is that: I ONLY look good in photos from mid-chest up. So yeah, basically my face. When the rest of my body gets involved in a photo... that's when all hell breaks lose. I'm not a 'body model,' face model ONLY.

It sucks though, for the most part. Junk food is completely out of the question for me. I mean, these female bodies usually can't take that shit anyway. And I'm already vegetarian... What the fuck more can I do? I know what it is - I eat too much fruit, complex carbs, vegetarian protein, and not enough vegetables. I even skip dairy! Pfft, some veggietarian I am. Womppppp womppppp.

Anyway, I'm just trying to laugh at all of this. I've seen way too many photos of my back side - in jeans even - to not know that a new photo of my backside will not look any better. My backside has a certain shape that isn't going ANYWHERE (unless I get major surgery). I really don't know how much harder I need to workout though, or if I should stop working out and lifting weights altogether. Working out seems so counter-productive sometimes. It makes me look fatter. After weeks of working out, I feel great and "think" I look great too... until a photo is taken. Then I'm crying myself to sleep while trying to ward off painful puffy red eyes and snot all over my face.

Although crying sounds reallyyyy tempting right now, I will try to refrain from letting this heartbreaking situation get the best of me. (And I'll refrain from wanting to murder myself too.)

Goodnight.
Goodnight to those who purposely try to hurt me.





p.s. My boyfriend's heart will probably break when he reads this blog, but I'm not gonna hide how I feel about this. It doesn't mean he's not a good photographer. If he makes a living out of photographing girls for magazines or whatever, this issue will be brought up again and again. He'll be pressured to make girls (or guys?) look acceptable to masses of people. Hopefully the company he works for will be super-good at photoshop and/or lighting...