Crumbling.

Today wasn't a very productive day. I'm feeling really mad and apathetic about it too. On the positive side, I didn't pick at my skin! Wish I could say the same about last night though... :/

Anyway, tonight I promised not talk about 'taking my own life' with my boyfriend anymore - otherwise he would break up with me (love isn't always unconditional, y'all). I mean, I don't think he understands why I would feel like that, but it's something that I've contemplated ever since I was 13. I think everyone thinks about it once in a blue moon as a what-if scenario. I actually did try it when I was 14 or 15. Took some pills and went to sleep. But obviously I'm still here - I did wake up. I really didn't want it to succeed anyhow. It was over something stupid anyway, but I just felt so very very awful and sick about it.

So yeah. I think around my period especially I feel really demented and hopeless. It's the time that I realize my life is essentially stupid. 24 and nothing to show for it. For someone who likes to be on stage or doing something in the entertainment realm... the feeling is worse than a breakup. It's a heartbreaking feeling that is constantly there - day after day, year after year. The feeling of wasting your life and not applying yourself fully in accomplishing a dream. But that's only because you don't know what dream to dream. You're in limbo walking along this long dark hallway, with many doors. You see light at the end of the hallway, but you never get there. It's still so far away... the hallway stretches indefinitely to make sure of it...

Agh. My heart crumbles all the time.



Goodnight.