Slap.

Today is already a failure, so I might as well blog about it now.

I'm feeling really depressed today. I tried not to let my boyfriend see when he came over to my house to use my computer (an application he needed to fill out could only be filled out on a Windows operating system, not Mac OSX). Didn't wanna worry him, but he's gonna read this anyway and won't be surprised one bit. I'm a roller coaster at times.

Anyway, after he left, I just continued to feel sad and miserable for an hour. Then soon found myself picking at this one part of my skin until it hurt really bad. Then I cried. um, LOL.

Yay... :/

At least when I do pick my skeeen, it's starting to hurt more than it usually does. My threshold for pain is decreasing. Woo.

But maybe I'm not making progress at all?

I mean, that IS how it's been for the past year. I'll do good at avoiding major damage to my skin for 1-3 days then... I give in. And open wounds that were almost healed. I hate myself SO much. I'm making myself ugly. It sucks. Why was I born this way? To write about it? SHIIIIIIT.

I'm just feeling so withdrawn from everything right now (more than usual). The school year is ending and I'm just stressed and confused. There is so much going on; so much that needs to get done before next week. And I stay paralyzed not knowing how to go about it (well, I spend more time thinking than actually doing). I'm so afraid to fail majorly. Ugh.

Also, today I had to give up my 'dream and vision' of editing this one girl's senior photos from a photoshoot I did with her back in mid-March. I'm not too happy about that. It really bums me out. I could just tell her no. But she has been waiting forever. And it's not like I didn't tell her when I would find time to edit them, you know? Whatever. I'm zip filing all 400 photos to her. So take that, you lousy Beep.

(No, I wasn't gonna edit all 400... just the 25 or so that were undeniably GOOD.)

Seriously though, this is all a big slap in the face. I feel so... I don't know... this might be the wrong term, but... disrespected, I guess. I don't expect respect, but that word seems to fit...

Ack. I'm mostly just mad at myself.

I feel guilty. My life really is blessed. But even on good days, I feel so distant and not well. Must be the hot weather setting in. Summer is depressing.